SCENE: CASTLE DRACULA
NARRATOR: The year, 1462 . . .
CROW: In fourteen hundred and sixty-two, Dracula sucked some clotting goo . . .
ON THE BATTLEFIELD. VLAD IMPALES A TURK ON A SPEAR.
TOM: So this was the birth of shish-ke-bob.
JOEL: Or shish-ke-ali, or shish-ke-abdul--
CROW: Sheesh.
CASTLE DRACULA: ELIZAVETA FLINGS HERSELF A THOUSAND FEET INTO THE RIVER. HER VOLUMINOUS SKIRT BARELY FLUTTERS.
CROW: That dress is so incredibly aerodynamic.
CASTLE DRACULA: VLAD BURSTS INTO THE CHAPEL. ELIZAVETA LIES BEFORE THE ALTAR. AS VLAD FALLS TO HER SIDE, SHE BLINKS.
TOM: That Winona Ryder is some actress. She can't even get *dead* right.
JOEL: If she jumped into a river, why are her hair and clothes dry, and why didn't the blood wash off her mouth?
VLAD STABS A CROSS AND IT BLEEDS.
CROW: Think he can get blood from a turnip, too?
TOM: That sounds easier than getting a decent performance from Winona Ryder.
RENFIELD'S CELL; RENFIELD IS TALKING TO THE CEILING.
RENFIELD: I've done everything you asked, master--
CROW: Hired personalities instead of actors, added a flakey love story, misunderstood the Count's personality.
RENFIELD: When the rewards are given--
TOM: The Oscar people will die laughing.
RENFIELD EATS A FLY.
JOEL: Popcorn, anyone?
SOLICITOR'S OFFICE. MR. HAWKINS TALKS TO HARKER, WHO'S PLAYED BY KEANU REEVES.
ALL: Bogus!
HARKER: What happened to Mr. Renfield in Transylvania?
CROW: It was something he ate.
TOM: Speaking of things that bite, what kind of English accent is Harker using?
MANSION. WINONA RYDER/MINA IS TYPING.
JOEL: I thought she died?
CROW: She got over it.
TOM: I wish the casting director had got over her.
JONATHAN AND MINA KISS IN THE GARDEN. TWICE. CHASTELY.
JOEL: They're so passionate.
CROW: At least she finally got the "dead" act right.
TOM: Jonathan's going to like *that* on their wedding night.
JOEL: Why do people think that nobody had sex in Victorian England?
CROW: Ever see a picture of Queen Victoria?
THE BORGO PASS AT NIGHT. PAINFULLY FAKE LIGHTNING FLASHES.
JOEL: That lightning is *so* convincing.
CROW: Special effects by Ed Wood.
GHOSTLY BLUE LIGHTS FLARE AND FLICKER AS THE COACH DRIVES ALONG.
TOM: I love the smell of St. Elmo's fire in the morning.
CASTLE DRACULA AS JONATHAN ENTERS. HE LOOKS AROUND.
TOM: Hmm . . . a nice little fixer-upper.
DRACULA GREETS HARKER.
JOEL: Poor guy. Even being dead doesn't get him out of this movie.
DRACULA AND HARKER TALK AT THE DINNER TABLE. THE COUNT GETS UP AND WE SEE THE BACKSIDE (LITERALLY) OF HIS WIG.
CROW: There he is, the original butthead.
THE COUNT GRABS A SWORD AND SWINGS IT AT HARKER.
COUNT: It is no laughing matter!
TOM: Everyone's a critic.
HARKER: You've found Mina. I thought she was lost.
CROW: Wishful thinking.
JOEL: It's easy to see how her picture could get lost on that big table.
THE COUNT'S SHADOW TURNS AROUND AND THROTTLES HARKER. THE SILHOUETTES OF CROW, JOEL AND TOM SERVO RISE UP AND DO THE SAME THING.
CROW: That felt good.
LUCY AND MINA ARE TALKING WHILE MINA TYPES.
LUCY: Is your ambitious Jonathan Harker forcing you to learn that ridiculous machine when you could be performing depserate acts of carnal pleasure on the parlor floor?
TOM: Why not, somebody is forcing you to use adjectives like they're going out of style.
MINA: There's more to marriage than carnal pleasure.
JOEL: Jonathan has *so* much to look forward to on his wedding night.
CROW: If he's lucky the Count will kill him first.
LATER, AT HILLINGHAM, MINA AND LUCY WATCH AS THREE YOUNG MEN ARRIVE ONE BY ONE.
MINA: What is that?
LUCY: A Texan, Quincey P. Morris.
TOM: A Texan named Quincey? The mind boggles!
DR. SEWARD ENTERS AND TRIPS OVER HIS OWN FEET.
CROW: Is there a doctor in the house?
A SERVANT ANNOUNCES THE THIRD ARRIVAL.
SERVANT: Arthur Holmwood, Esquire.
JOEL: No, he looks more like the "Reader's Digest" type.
TOM: He's a British aristocrat. He prefers "Boy's Life."
MEANWHILE, BACK AT CASTLE DRAKULYA, THE COUNT SPEAKS TO HARKER:
DRACULA:The children of the night, what sweet music they make!
CROW (as Keanu Reeves): But Wyld Stallyons makes the most excellent music, dude!
LATER, HARKER SKULKS AROUND THE CASTLE. HE SEES RATS WALKING ON THE CEILING AND FLUIDS DRIPPING *UP.*
TOM: Whoa, he hasn't seen stuff like this since the last time he was at the Viper Club!
HARKER GETS INTO AN EMPTY BED.
TOM: Here we see Francis Ford Coppola restoring balance to the universe.
JOEL: Huh?
CROW: This time he's putting a horse's ass in the bed.
THREE HORNY, SEMINAKED VAMPIRESSES APPEAR IN BED WITH HARKER.
TOM: *This* ought to make him forget Miss Frigidity of 1895!
VAMPIRESS SEES HARKER'S CROSS; SHE SNARLS AND IT MELTS ON HIS BARECHEST.
JOEL: That's gotta hurt.
DRACULA BURSTS IN.
CROW (as vampiress): Oh, no, it's my husband! Quick, hide!
JOEL: What's that he's carrying? A doggy bag?
TOM: More like a baby bag.
BACK IN MERRIE OLDE ENGLANDE, MINA READS A LETTER FROM HARKER.
HARKER:Harker (voice over): The Count has insisted I remain a month to tutor him in English customs.
CROW: Crazy bosses, flaky co-workers, repressed girlfriends . . .
TOM: Notice he doesn't mention what the vampiresses insist on.
LUCY APPEARS AND MINA DISCUSSES THE LETTER WITH HER.
MINA: This letter I received is so cold, so unnatural--it's not like him at all!
CROW: How soon she forgets.
A FEW DROPS OF RAIN FALL AND AT ONCE MINA AND LUCY FORGET THEIR GLOOM.
JOEL: Nothing like a little storm to brighten their day.
TOM: Shows how worried she is about poor dear what's-his-name.
AT THE FUNNY FARM, DR. SEWARD SHOOTS UP MORPHINE.
JOEL: Here's a doctor with a fool for a patient.
SEWARD (AS HE SHOOTS UP): LUCY! LUCY!
CROW: He's handling their break-up very well.
NARRATOR: The year, 1462 . . .
CROW: In fourteen hundred and sixty-two, Dracula sucked some clotting goo . . .
ON THE BATTLEFIELD. VLAD IMPALES A TURK ON A SPEAR.
TOM: So this was the birth of shish-ke-bob.
JOEL: Or shish-ke-ali, or shish-ke-abdul--
CROW: Sheesh.
CASTLE DRACULA: ELIZAVETA FLINGS HERSELF A THOUSAND FEET INTO THE RIVER. HER VOLUMINOUS SKIRT BARELY FLUTTERS.
CROW: That dress is so incredibly aerodynamic.
CASTLE DRACULA: VLAD BURSTS INTO THE CHAPEL. ELIZAVETA LIES BEFORE THE ALTAR. AS VLAD FALLS TO HER SIDE, SHE BLINKS.
TOM: That Winona Ryder is some actress. She can't even get *dead* right.
JOEL: If she jumped into a river, why are her hair and clothes dry, and why didn't the blood wash off her mouth?
VLAD STABS A CROSS AND IT BLEEDS.
CROW: Think he can get blood from a turnip, too?
TOM: That sounds easier than getting a decent performance from Winona Ryder.
RENFIELD'S CELL; RENFIELD IS TALKING TO THE CEILING.
RENFIELD: I've done everything you asked, master--
CROW: Hired personalities instead of actors, added a flakey love story, misunderstood the Count's personality.
RENFIELD: When the rewards are given--
TOM: The Oscar people will die laughing.
RENFIELD EATS A FLY.
JOEL: Popcorn, anyone?
SOLICITOR'S OFFICE. MR. HAWKINS TALKS TO HARKER, WHO'S PLAYED BY KEANU REEVES.
ALL: Bogus!
HARKER: What happened to Mr. Renfield in Transylvania?
CROW: It was something he ate.
TOM: Speaking of things that bite, what kind of English accent is Harker using?
MANSION. WINONA RYDER/MINA IS TYPING.
JOEL: I thought she died?
CROW: She got over it.
TOM: I wish the casting director had got over her.
JONATHAN AND MINA KISS IN THE GARDEN. TWICE. CHASTELY.
JOEL: They're so passionate.
CROW: At least she finally got the "dead" act right.
TOM: Jonathan's going to like *that* on their wedding night.
JOEL: Why do people think that nobody had sex in Victorian England?
CROW: Ever see a picture of Queen Victoria?
THE BORGO PASS AT NIGHT. PAINFULLY FAKE LIGHTNING FLASHES.
JOEL: That lightning is *so* convincing.
CROW: Special effects by Ed Wood.
GHOSTLY BLUE LIGHTS FLARE AND FLICKER AS THE COACH DRIVES ALONG.
TOM: I love the smell of St. Elmo's fire in the morning.
CASTLE DRACULA AS JONATHAN ENTERS. HE LOOKS AROUND.
TOM: Hmm . . . a nice little fixer-upper.
DRACULA GREETS HARKER.
JOEL: Poor guy. Even being dead doesn't get him out of this movie.
DRACULA AND HARKER TALK AT THE DINNER TABLE. THE COUNT GETS UP AND WE SEE THE BACKSIDE (LITERALLY) OF HIS WIG.
CROW: There he is, the original butthead.
THE COUNT GRABS A SWORD AND SWINGS IT AT HARKER.
COUNT: It is no laughing matter!
TOM: Everyone's a critic.
HARKER: You've found Mina. I thought she was lost.
CROW: Wishful thinking.
JOEL: It's easy to see how her picture could get lost on that big table.
THE COUNT'S SHADOW TURNS AROUND AND THROTTLES HARKER. THE SILHOUETTES OF CROW, JOEL AND TOM SERVO RISE UP AND DO THE SAME THING.
CROW: That felt good.
LUCY AND MINA ARE TALKING WHILE MINA TYPES.
LUCY: Is your ambitious Jonathan Harker forcing you to learn that ridiculous machine when you could be performing depserate acts of carnal pleasure on the parlor floor?
TOM: Why not, somebody is forcing you to use adjectives like they're going out of style.
MINA: There's more to marriage than carnal pleasure.
JOEL: Jonathan has *so* much to look forward to on his wedding night.
CROW: If he's lucky the Count will kill him first.
LATER, AT HILLINGHAM, MINA AND LUCY WATCH AS THREE YOUNG MEN ARRIVE ONE BY ONE.
MINA: What is that?
LUCY: A Texan, Quincey P. Morris.
TOM: A Texan named Quincey? The mind boggles!
DR. SEWARD ENTERS AND TRIPS OVER HIS OWN FEET.
CROW: Is there a doctor in the house?
A SERVANT ANNOUNCES THE THIRD ARRIVAL.
SERVANT: Arthur Holmwood, Esquire.
JOEL: No, he looks more like the "Reader's Digest" type.
TOM: He's a British aristocrat. He prefers "Boy's Life."
MEANWHILE, BACK AT CASTLE DRAKULYA, THE COUNT SPEAKS TO HARKER:
DRACULA:The children of the night, what sweet music they make!
CROW (as Keanu Reeves): But Wyld Stallyons makes the most excellent music, dude!
LATER, HARKER SKULKS AROUND THE CASTLE. HE SEES RATS WALKING ON THE CEILING AND FLUIDS DRIPPING *UP.*
TOM: Whoa, he hasn't seen stuff like this since the last time he was at the Viper Club!
HARKER GETS INTO AN EMPTY BED.
TOM: Here we see Francis Ford Coppola restoring balance to the universe.
JOEL: Huh?
CROW: This time he's putting a horse's ass in the bed.
THREE HORNY, SEMINAKED VAMPIRESSES APPEAR IN BED WITH HARKER.
TOM: *This* ought to make him forget Miss Frigidity of 1895!
VAMPIRESS SEES HARKER'S CROSS; SHE SNARLS AND IT MELTS ON HIS BARECHEST.
JOEL: That's gotta hurt.
DRACULA BURSTS IN.
CROW (as vampiress): Oh, no, it's my husband! Quick, hide!
JOEL: What's that he's carrying? A doggy bag?
TOM: More like a baby bag.
BACK IN MERRIE OLDE ENGLANDE, MINA READS A LETTER FROM HARKER.
HARKER:Harker (voice over): The Count has insisted I remain a month to tutor him in English customs.
CROW: Crazy bosses, flaky co-workers, repressed girlfriends . . .
TOM: Notice he doesn't mention what the vampiresses insist on.
LUCY APPEARS AND MINA DISCUSSES THE LETTER WITH HER.
MINA: This letter I received is so cold, so unnatural--it's not like him at all!
CROW: How soon she forgets.
A FEW DROPS OF RAIN FALL AND AT ONCE MINA AND LUCY FORGET THEIR GLOOM.
JOEL: Nothing like a little storm to brighten their day.
TOM: Shows how worried she is about poor dear what's-his-name.
AT THE FUNNY FARM, DR. SEWARD SHOOTS UP MORPHINE.
JOEL: Here's a doctor with a fool for a patient.
SEWARD (AS HE SHOOTS UP): LUCY! LUCY!
CROW: He's handling their break-up very well.
