JOEL: Oh, well.
Van Helsing: It feeds on Lucy's precious blood! It is a beast, a monster!
TOM: Thus speaks a blood-obsessed mad scientist who can vanish into thin air.
JOEL: And nobody picks up on these clues?
CROW: It's just another meeting of the Carfax Clue-Ignoring Club.

DRACULA IS DRINKING ABSINTHE WITH MINA.

JOEL: She seems less uptight now. More fun-loving.
CROW: Absinthe makes the heart grow blonder.

DRACULA SQUEEZES MINA'S TEARS INTO DIAMONDS.

JOEL: Superman does the same trick with coal.
TOM: At least the Count remembered to shave his palms.

HARKER CLIMBS OUT OF CASTLE DRACULA AND PLUNGES A THOUSAND FEET INTO THE RIVER.

JOEL: Didn't that kill Elizaveta?
CROW: Four hundred years ago. Since then they made the river much safer.

DRACULA AND MINA DANCE AMID SCORES OF CANDLES ON STANDS.

TOM: Where are the Originality Police when you need them?
CROW: They could run a nice little Sting operation here.
JOEL, CROW and TOM SERVO do Sting: "Every little thing she does is magic--"

IN TRANSYLVANIA, HARKER STUMBLES INTO A CONVENT.

JOEL: What's he doing in a nunnery?
TOM: Looking for a girl just like the one he lost.

AT HILLINGHAM, LUCY AND MINA DISCUSS A LETTER FROM HARKER.

MINA: He's in a convent in Rumania!
CROW: See what she can drive a man to?
MINA: They say he needs me, but I won't go.
TOM: True love is a marvel to behold,
LUCY: You've got to go to him, love him, marry him right then and there.

MINA LOOKS SHOCKED.

CROW (as Mina): You mean--with a man?
JOEL: She's saving herself for marriage.
TOM: Or saving him from marriage.
LUCY: Don't worry about spoiled little Lucy.
CROW: We'll just trim off the spoiled bits and put the rest back in the ice box.

IN A LIBRARY, VAN HELSING READS ABOUT VAMPIRES.

JOEL: Hey, he moves his lips when he reads!
TOM: Get him some crayons so he can finish the pretty pictures.

MINA ON THE SHIP TO RUMANIA.

MINA: With him I felt more alive than I ever had.
CROW: With her that's not saying much.

IN THE LIBRARY, VAN HELSING LAUGHS AS THE WIND BLOWS.

Van Helsing: It is Dracula, the undead, the foe I have pursued all my life!
TOM: And he just now figured this out?

OUTSIDE HILLINGHAM, VAN HELSING GRABS QUINCEY AND STARTSDRY-HUMPING HIM.

CROW: Looks like van Helsing is trying to advance his studies of syphilis.
TOM: I think Morris is enjoying it.
Van Helsing: She is a bitch of Satan! A whore of the Devil! His concubine!
JOEL: He's so endearing.
Van Helsing: We will save her soul--but not on an empty stomach! Art! I starve! Feed me!
TOM: Got any spare servants lying around?

IN LUCY'S BEDROOM, HOLMWOOD GUARDS LUCY. HE HAS A PISTOL IN ONE HAND AND A BRANDY SNIFTER IN THE OTHER.

CROW: Lucy can sleep a little more soundly, knowing how safe she is.

ARTHUR PASSES OUT, DRUNK.

JOEL: He's so devoted to her.

DRACULA ENTERS THE BEDROOM AND SPEAKS TO LUCY.

DRACULA: I condemn you to eternal death.
JOEL: What did she do to deserve that?
TOM: And why does he think that's romantic?

TWO HUGE WAVES OF BLOOD CRASH THROUGH LUCY'S BEDROOM.

CROW: Surf's up!

IN THE PARLOR, LUCY LIES DEAD IN A GLASS COFFIN.

TOM: Boy, is this going to make Hannibal the Cannibal hungry.
JOEL: Why's that?
TOM: Peasant under glass!

VAN HELSING ENTERS AND SPEAKS TO SEWARD.

Van Helsing: I just want to cut off her head and cut out her heart.
CROW: It's for an old family recipe.

AT NIGHT, IN LUCY'S TOMB.

TOM: Look, it's Halloween and they all dressed up as vampire hunters.
CROW: No, van Helsing is just raiding the pantry.

INSIDE LUCY'S TOMB, HER GLASS COFFIN IS EMPTY. ENRAGED, HOLMWOOD POINTS A GUN AT VAN HELSING.

HOLMWOOD: Where is she! What have you done with her!
TOM (as van Helsing): *Burp.*

LUCY RETURNS WITH A BABY. SHE DROPS THE BABY WHEN SHE SEES HOLMWOOD.

LUCY: Arthur! Come to me!
JOEL: Dying hasn't changed her, has it?

HOLMWOOD LOOKS TURNED ON, IN A HORSE-AND-BUGGY WAY.

CROW: She may be dead, but that won't stop him.
TOM: If it ever did.

LUCY SPEWS BLOOD ON VAN HELSING.

CROW: He always did like barbeque sauce.
JOEL: Just not on him.

LUCY IS DECAPITATED AND HER HEAD GOES SPINNING.

TOM: And it's now one-oh as the Carfax Crazies score their first goal against the visiting team.

IN A RESTAURANT, A BIG CHUNK OF BEEF IS PLOPPED ONTO A PLATTER.

JOEL: Say, what *did* happen to that baby Lucy dropped?

VAN HELSING BEGINS TO CARVE.

Van Helsing: Eat!
JOEL: Not until I know what happened to that baby!
CROW: Come on, he's just having another old friend for dinner.
Van Helsing: We cut out her heart and burned it.
TOM: It's so hard to cook in a strange kitchen.

HARKER DENIES DRINKING ANY OF THE VAMPIRESS' BLOOD. MINA LOOKS ECSTATIC.

CROW: She doesn't mind that he had sex with them, but the idea of blood-drinking really gets to her!

IN CARFAX ABBEY, DRACULA HANGS BATLIKE IN THE RAFTERS.

JOEL: Hang in there, sport.

THE HUNTERS PROCEED TO TRASH THE PLACE. DRACULA SWOOPS DOWN AND FLIES AWAY.

TOM: It's awesome, how these hunters can miss something like that.

DRACULA TURNS INTO A GREEN MIST AND SLIPS INTO MINA'S BED.

CROW: Lucky for her he's in a romantic mood tonight.
TOM: It was Lucy who really brought out the animal in him.
JOEL: Mina just isn't that kind of girl. Look at Harker.
CROW: You look at him.

DRACULA WHINGES ABOUT BEING COLD AND DEAD, AND HAVING KILLED LUCY. THEN HE LETS MINA DRINK HIS BLOOD. THEN HE STOPS HER.

DRACULA: I cannot let this be!
CROW: It's a bit late now.
TOM: He's so fickle.
MINA: Take me away from all this death!
CROW: Has *she* ever got the wrong travel agent!

VAN HELSING SPEAKS AS CARFAX ABBEY BURNS.

Van Helsing: Dracula fears us!
TOM: Yeah, he might trip over you in the dark.
CROW: Funny how it never occured to anyone that the Count might have hidden an earth box somewhere.
JOEL: I guess they never read the book.

ON BOARD THE ORIENT EXPRESS, HARKER AND MINA COMMISERATE.

MINA: What have I done?
HARKER:: What have I done to both of us?
CROW: As they try to trump one another in the guilt-fest.

HARKER'S VOICE-OVER AS THE GANG RIDES HORSES.

HARKER: Dracula has outsmarted us again!
JOEL: What a surprise.
TOM: But the Hole-in-the-Head Gang will catch him yet!
CROW: Cut the varmint off at the Borgo Pass, podner!

CAMPING IN THE WOODS, VAN HELSING OFFERS MINA DINNER.

Van Helsing: You must eat.
MINA: I'm not hungry.
TOM: At least not when *he* cooks!

MINA HURLS THE PLATE ASIDE.

CROW: She should show more respect for the dead.

VAN HELSING ENTERS CASTLE DRACULA.

TOM: The good news is, there's still one doctor in the world who makes house calls . . .

A GYPSY WAGON RACES ALONG THE MOUNTAIN ROAD TO THE CASTLE. DRACULA RIDES INSIDE A CRATE. HE LOOKS CRAMPED AND UNCOMFORTABLE.

TOM: This is the *last* time he travels coach.
CROW (as Dracula): Why did I have to save the one earth-box that the Gypsies filled from the old latrine?

IN THE CHAPEL, DRACULA HAS HAD A CLOSE SHAVE AS HE SPEAKS TO MINA:

DRACULA: Where is God? He has forsaken me!
JOEL: I guess he forgot his big scene at the start of the movie.
DRACULA: Give me peace!

MINA CHOPS OFF HIS HEAD.

TOM: He said "peace," not "the shaft!"
JOEL: You don't suppose he meant "a piece," do you?
CROW: Asking Mina for that would be pointless.