(The delivery van stops at the front door; it delivers, not the Revell 1/12 scale Dracula kit, but a large rectangular shape some seven feet long, accompanied by this note):
CONGRATULATIONS! As the newest member of the Renfield List you have just been awarded Honest Igor's Vampiric Training Kit! It slices! It dices! It juliennes! This limited exclusive offer gives *you* a chance to prepare for the genuine vampire experience without actually becoming one of the living dead! You can now pass as a vampire and see how you enjoy it! And best of all, you'll look and live like a *real* nosferatu, not one of those wimpy Anne Rice neck-nibblers! Yes indeed, it's the experience of a lifetime!
Ready? Take off the crepe paper and black ribbons--that's why we call it the Dark Gift, get it?--then open the kit's pine crate and see what you have!
First you'll find the handy-dandy make-up kit. It contains our patented Greasy Black Hair Dye and Tasty-Pasty White Body Bleach. The dye will allow you to slick your hair back into the *tres* fashionable Bela Lugosi widow's peak, while the bleach will give your flesh the proper vampiric pallor. Yes, widow's peaks and pallid skin are out of style among mortals--but who cares what they think? Vampires think this is the height of elegance! Who would you rather have laughing at you, mortals or vampires?
And let's not forget your new clothes! Aren't they wonderful? Aren't those moth holes and graveyard-dirt stains the very ne-c'est-plus-ultra of haute couture? Don't the tatters of rotting fabric add a graceful swirl to your every step, while the blotchy, faded tones make a fashion statement that says *you* just rose from the grave!
Next you'll find a bottle of spirit gum and a bag of extra-coarse wolf fur. Brush the spirit gum onto your palms, then sprinkle the fur over it. Astonishing, isn't it? Hairy palms are one of *the* definitive signs of the real vampire. Of course mortals think that hairy palms are a sign of self-abuse, but what do they know? As a vampire you no longer care about sex. Which brings us to the next item in this marvelous kit, Doc Limply's Saltpeter Elixir! Drink it down right away. This time-tested impotence formula will make you as sexually inactive as any genuine vampire. If nothing else this infusion of potassium nitrate will keep you from getting distracted by sex as you hunt your prey.
But wait, there's more! Open the pink plastic box and what do you see but your very own fangs! Have you ever seen such a lovely set of slashers in your death? Just put them in your mouth, over your teeth, and bite down hard--watch out for your tongue, ha-ha-ha! They're lined with our secret psycho-glue formula, so they won't accidentally slip out at an inopportune moment. The fangs don't retract; why should they? Real fangs don't retract! Retracting fangs are for sissies who don't want people to know that they're vampires, and that isn't you, nosirree! Of course those fangs will make it hard for you to speak clearly, but so what? Your typical vampire doesn't talk to his victims anyway. It's just get in there, bite, drink, and sneak out before anyone realizes you're around. No one will notice that your fangs make you lisp and slur your words like someone with new dentures. This is a blessing in disguise, when you consider the obvious fact that you don't have anything worth saying anyway.
No, you're not ready to prowl the night yet. Take out your bottle of Transylvanian Vampire Odor, which doubles as a cologne *and* a mouthwash! Uncork it and take a whiff. Whew! Potent, ain't it? Now you know why we have that picture of Percy the Puking Maggot on the label! Splash some on, then gargle with the rest! Now you'll smell like a genuine undead creature, fresh from the grave, and your breath will be redolent with the charming odor of old, stale blood. Anyone who gets downwind of you will believe you're a real undead, blood-drinking vampire! You'll be the life of the party, the toast of the town (so to speak), the cat's pajamas! And women love that vampiric odor! One whiff and they'll faint in your arms! Talk about night life!
There, you've found our hi-tech Aversion-Therapy Crucifix. Go on, pick it up! *EEEEK!* You've just discovered its built-in high-voltage electrodes. Don't worry! The shock is harmless, but you'll soon pick up a deep subconscious terror of the cross. Just like a real vampire--and we do mean the real, classical spawn of hell, not one of those feepish role-playing kindred who can spend five character points to eliminate its terror of the cross. What's this? You say you don't like the idea of a vampire fearing the cross? Why, friend, you're not in the proper frame of mind! Fear of the cross is one of the many exciting surprises awaiting you in the sinister world of vampires! And *real* vampires don't whinge about the unfairness of eternal damnation, they just accept it! Now pick up that cross again! And again!
What have we here? Magic mushrooms, flavored with belladonna! Yum! Pop one right away and tell yourself you'll turn into a bat. You won't, naturally--what did you expect?--but you'll soon hallucinate that you're flying. Just like a bat! Of course it's all in your head, but hey, don't complain, it's about time *something* happened in there!
(What's that you say? How about hypnotizing your victims into submission? Or having the strength of twenty men? Or great wealth? Or feeding off psychic energies, or having wild mortal sex with your victims? Sorry, that's got nothing to do with vampirism! It's just stuff that writers made up--but keep that positive attitude!)
Boy, wolfing down those hallucinogens really gave you an appetite, didn't they? You're ready for a nice, nutritious meal--and what better meal for a vampire than some fresh blood? Okay, what you'll find in the kit's bottle of Forbidden Vintage isn't *quite* fresh; after all, it takes a while to prepare and ship the kit, so we had to treat it with anti-coagulants and refrigerate it. But you still have a gallon of blood, and no vampire will complain about *that!* Pop the cork and drink it--no, don't sip it, pour it down your throat! Mmm, isn't that good? Who wants to bother with chocolate or cheese or spare ribs when you can drink blood? And it's a good thing that vampires love the taste of blood, because the undead body no longer needs food. Forget about those delicacies you used to munch! Finish that blood! And don't complain about the funny taste it leaves in your mouth, or the way it stains your teeth, or how all that salt makes you thirsty. Vampires love that taste, and thirst just naturally gors with the territory. In fact the thirst will make you want to get more to drink--and I don't mean water!
And don't forget to inject yourself with that syringe of Sun Death! This marvel of science contains large amounts of delta-aminolevulinic acid, porphobilinogen, coproporphyrin, uroporphyrin and protoporphyrin, which will make you hypersensitive to the sun. Let one little ray of sunlight enter your life and you'll feel agonies beyond belief! Your skin will erupt horribly and you could go insane! Now you'll have to exert yourself at avoiding daylight. Until it wears off our Sun Death formula will force you to return to your grave before dawn dawn and stay there until dusk, whether you like it or not--just like a real vampire!
Speaking of your grave--
Now I know you've been wondering why the Vampire Training Kit came in such a big crate. That's absolutely correct, it doubles as your coffin! Take a shovel and line its bottom with several inches of fresh, damp earth. Then open the bag of Graveyard Goodies and sprinkle its contents over the soil. Don't worry, it's a big bag, and it contains enough worms, lice, maggots and mold to give *two* coffins that realistic died-in feeling. We've even included, free and at no extra charge, our unique embalming-fluid scented potpourri!
Lie down in your earth-box--go on, don't be shy! As a vampire you'll do this a lot, because every day at dawn you have to return to your resting place and stay there until sunset. Pull the lid shut over yourself. Hear that click as the lid closes? That's our marvelous Daylight Savings Lock! To make sure that you don't cheat, it won't let the lid open again until it senses that the sun has gone down. Isn't that marvelous? If there's anything that makes you feel like a vampire, it's spending twelve or more hours a day lying immobile in a coffin! And *this* lid has a special feature that will enhance your experience. Directly above your heart is a spring-loaded wooden stake, attached to a sound-and-motion detector. If anyone approaches your coffin while you lie in it, the detector will plunge the stake into your heart. Here's hoping you had enough sense to put your coffin in a place where no one will find you during the day! If not, well, the excitement of wondering whether or not a stake will destroy you should keep you from getting bored as you lie there.
Ah, sunset at last! You rise from the dead as the coffin lid opens. Time to go hunting! As worms and mold drop from your pale, reeking flesh, you vanish into the night and seek out your first victim. And how will you find a victim? That's up to you--but you have to do it in such a way as to avoid detection. You see, we've forwarded your newsgroup post to the FBI with this little postscript:
*Dear FBI:
*This request was just posted to the alt.vampyres newsgroup. The person in question wishes to become a vampire. It is the belief of the regular members of this newsgroup that this person is mentally unbalanced and poses a serious threat to public safety. Given the resources of the American government we feel confident that you can track down this person before he harms anyone. While it is possible that he is merely a poser and does not understand that vampires are killers, we here believe in a policy of "better safe than sorry."
*Yours most cordially,
*Igor Chompinsky, Esq.*
And what good does that do, you ask? Well, part of the vampiric experience is being hunted, and you now have a veritable horde of van Helsings on your trail! So keep looking over your shoulder and keep hiding in the shadows! Wonder if your next victim will prove the key to your undoing! One little slip, one mistake, and you'll find that this isn't a game.
--Igor Chompinsky
CONGRATULATIONS! As the newest member of the Renfield List you have just been awarded Honest Igor's Vampiric Training Kit! It slices! It dices! It juliennes! This limited exclusive offer gives *you* a chance to prepare for the genuine vampire experience without actually becoming one of the living dead! You can now pass as a vampire and see how you enjoy it! And best of all, you'll look and live like a *real* nosferatu, not one of those wimpy Anne Rice neck-nibblers! Yes indeed, it's the experience of a lifetime!
Ready? Take off the crepe paper and black ribbons--that's why we call it the Dark Gift, get it?--then open the kit's pine crate and see what you have!
First you'll find the handy-dandy make-up kit. It contains our patented Greasy Black Hair Dye and Tasty-Pasty White Body Bleach. The dye will allow you to slick your hair back into the *tres* fashionable Bela Lugosi widow's peak, while the bleach will give your flesh the proper vampiric pallor. Yes, widow's peaks and pallid skin are out of style among mortals--but who cares what they think? Vampires think this is the height of elegance! Who would you rather have laughing at you, mortals or vampires?
And let's not forget your new clothes! Aren't they wonderful? Aren't those moth holes and graveyard-dirt stains the very ne-c'est-plus-ultra of haute couture? Don't the tatters of rotting fabric add a graceful swirl to your every step, while the blotchy, faded tones make a fashion statement that says *you* just rose from the grave!
Next you'll find a bottle of spirit gum and a bag of extra-coarse wolf fur. Brush the spirit gum onto your palms, then sprinkle the fur over it. Astonishing, isn't it? Hairy palms are one of *the* definitive signs of the real vampire. Of course mortals think that hairy palms are a sign of self-abuse, but what do they know? As a vampire you no longer care about sex. Which brings us to the next item in this marvelous kit, Doc Limply's Saltpeter Elixir! Drink it down right away. This time-tested impotence formula will make you as sexually inactive as any genuine vampire. If nothing else this infusion of potassium nitrate will keep you from getting distracted by sex as you hunt your prey.
But wait, there's more! Open the pink plastic box and what do you see but your very own fangs! Have you ever seen such a lovely set of slashers in your death? Just put them in your mouth, over your teeth, and bite down hard--watch out for your tongue, ha-ha-ha! They're lined with our secret psycho-glue formula, so they won't accidentally slip out at an inopportune moment. The fangs don't retract; why should they? Real fangs don't retract! Retracting fangs are for sissies who don't want people to know that they're vampires, and that isn't you, nosirree! Of course those fangs will make it hard for you to speak clearly, but so what? Your typical vampire doesn't talk to his victims anyway. It's just get in there, bite, drink, and sneak out before anyone realizes you're around. No one will notice that your fangs make you lisp and slur your words like someone with new dentures. This is a blessing in disguise, when you consider the obvious fact that you don't have anything worth saying anyway.
No, you're not ready to prowl the night yet. Take out your bottle of Transylvanian Vampire Odor, which doubles as a cologne *and* a mouthwash! Uncork it and take a whiff. Whew! Potent, ain't it? Now you know why we have that picture of Percy the Puking Maggot on the label! Splash some on, then gargle with the rest! Now you'll smell like a genuine undead creature, fresh from the grave, and your breath will be redolent with the charming odor of old, stale blood. Anyone who gets downwind of you will believe you're a real undead, blood-drinking vampire! You'll be the life of the party, the toast of the town (so to speak), the cat's pajamas! And women love that vampiric odor! One whiff and they'll faint in your arms! Talk about night life!
There, you've found our hi-tech Aversion-Therapy Crucifix. Go on, pick it up! *EEEEK!* You've just discovered its built-in high-voltage electrodes. Don't worry! The shock is harmless, but you'll soon pick up a deep subconscious terror of the cross. Just like a real vampire--and we do mean the real, classical spawn of hell, not one of those feepish role-playing kindred who can spend five character points to eliminate its terror of the cross. What's this? You say you don't like the idea of a vampire fearing the cross? Why, friend, you're not in the proper frame of mind! Fear of the cross is one of the many exciting surprises awaiting you in the sinister world of vampires! And *real* vampires don't whinge about the unfairness of eternal damnation, they just accept it! Now pick up that cross again! And again!
What have we here? Magic mushrooms, flavored with belladonna! Yum! Pop one right away and tell yourself you'll turn into a bat. You won't, naturally--what did you expect?--but you'll soon hallucinate that you're flying. Just like a bat! Of course it's all in your head, but hey, don't complain, it's about time *something* happened in there!
(What's that you say? How about hypnotizing your victims into submission? Or having the strength of twenty men? Or great wealth? Or feeding off psychic energies, or having wild mortal sex with your victims? Sorry, that's got nothing to do with vampirism! It's just stuff that writers made up--but keep that positive attitude!)
Boy, wolfing down those hallucinogens really gave you an appetite, didn't they? You're ready for a nice, nutritious meal--and what better meal for a vampire than some fresh blood? Okay, what you'll find in the kit's bottle of Forbidden Vintage isn't *quite* fresh; after all, it takes a while to prepare and ship the kit, so we had to treat it with anti-coagulants and refrigerate it. But you still have a gallon of blood, and no vampire will complain about *that!* Pop the cork and drink it--no, don't sip it, pour it down your throat! Mmm, isn't that good? Who wants to bother with chocolate or cheese or spare ribs when you can drink blood? And it's a good thing that vampires love the taste of blood, because the undead body no longer needs food. Forget about those delicacies you used to munch! Finish that blood! And don't complain about the funny taste it leaves in your mouth, or the way it stains your teeth, or how all that salt makes you thirsty. Vampires love that taste, and thirst just naturally gors with the territory. In fact the thirst will make you want to get more to drink--and I don't mean water!
And don't forget to inject yourself with that syringe of Sun Death! This marvel of science contains large amounts of delta-aminolevulinic acid, porphobilinogen, coproporphyrin, uroporphyrin and protoporphyrin, which will make you hypersensitive to the sun. Let one little ray of sunlight enter your life and you'll feel agonies beyond belief! Your skin will erupt horribly and you could go insane! Now you'll have to exert yourself at avoiding daylight. Until it wears off our Sun Death formula will force you to return to your grave before dawn dawn and stay there until dusk, whether you like it or not--just like a real vampire!
Speaking of your grave--
Now I know you've been wondering why the Vampire Training Kit came in such a big crate. That's absolutely correct, it doubles as your coffin! Take a shovel and line its bottom with several inches of fresh, damp earth. Then open the bag of Graveyard Goodies and sprinkle its contents over the soil. Don't worry, it's a big bag, and it contains enough worms, lice, maggots and mold to give *two* coffins that realistic died-in feeling. We've even included, free and at no extra charge, our unique embalming-fluid scented potpourri!
Lie down in your earth-box--go on, don't be shy! As a vampire you'll do this a lot, because every day at dawn you have to return to your resting place and stay there until sunset. Pull the lid shut over yourself. Hear that click as the lid closes? That's our marvelous Daylight Savings Lock! To make sure that you don't cheat, it won't let the lid open again until it senses that the sun has gone down. Isn't that marvelous? If there's anything that makes you feel like a vampire, it's spending twelve or more hours a day lying immobile in a coffin! And *this* lid has a special feature that will enhance your experience. Directly above your heart is a spring-loaded wooden stake, attached to a sound-and-motion detector. If anyone approaches your coffin while you lie in it, the detector will plunge the stake into your heart. Here's hoping you had enough sense to put your coffin in a place where no one will find you during the day! If not, well, the excitement of wondering whether or not a stake will destroy you should keep you from getting bored as you lie there.
Ah, sunset at last! You rise from the dead as the coffin lid opens. Time to go hunting! As worms and mold drop from your pale, reeking flesh, you vanish into the night and seek out your first victim. And how will you find a victim? That's up to you--but you have to do it in such a way as to avoid detection. You see, we've forwarded your newsgroup post to the FBI with this little postscript:
*Dear FBI:
*This request was just posted to the alt.vampyres newsgroup. The person in question wishes to become a vampire. It is the belief of the regular members of this newsgroup that this person is mentally unbalanced and poses a serious threat to public safety. Given the resources of the American government we feel confident that you can track down this person before he harms anyone. While it is possible that he is merely a poser and does not understand that vampires are killers, we here believe in a policy of "better safe than sorry."
*Yours most cordially,
*Igor Chompinsky, Esq.*
And what good does that do, you ask? Well, part of the vampiric experience is being hunted, and you now have a veritable horde of van Helsings on your trail! So keep looking over your shoulder and keep hiding in the shadows! Wonder if your next victim will prove the key to your undoing! One little slip, one mistake, and you'll find that this isn't a game.
--Igor Chompinsky