[JUNKY, CREEPY, CLUTTERED, KITSCHY, TACKY LODGE. GRANDPA LIES ON PORCH, EVIDENTLY DEAD. MOM TRIES TO WAKE HIM.]
Sam: If he's dead, can we go back to Phoenix?
Tom: Go back even if he's still alive.
Crow: Just don't come *here.*
[GRANDPA GETS UP]
Grandpa: Playing dead, and from what I heard doing a darned good job of it.
Joel: No, he needs more practice.
Tom: The rest of the movie should do it.
[TWO KIDS LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER]
Crow [as kid]: Mom, *please* tell me we're adopted.
[INSIDE, SAM WHINES ABOUT LACK OF TV]
Sam: You know what no TV means? No MTV!
Joel: And this is bad?
Crow: If you're a brain-damaged, tone-deaf dork who likes Madonna.
Tom: So the movie's target audience thinks it's tragic.
Joel: All three of them.
[GRANDPA AND MOM TALK AT CORRAL]
Grandpa: You're the only woman I know who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.
Tom: He's so supportive.
Mom: I was raised better than that.
Crow: So she *is* adopted.
[IN HOUSE, KIDS SEE GRANDPA'S MARIJUANA PLANT]
Tom: I see Grandpa is ready for the big scriptwriting conference.
Crow: Too bad they held it after they filmed the movie.
[GRANDPA TALKS WITH MOM AND KIDS ABOUT MURDER SITUATION IN SANTA CARLA]
Grandpa: If all the corpses buried around here stood up--
Crow: They'd walk out with the rest of the audience.
Tom: Notice how concerned mommie dearest is about bringing her boys to the murder capital of the world?
Crow: Funny how the old coot isn't worried.
Joel: Is that senility or complicity?
[GRANDPA STEPS INTO TAXIDERMY ROOM]
Grandpa: Stay out of here!
Crow: Thus do we invoke monster movie rule number one, insuring that the kids will go in there and get in trouble.
[NIGHT CONCERT AT AMUSEMENT PARK. LEAD SINGER GESTURES AT CROWD.]
Joel: Is he giving them the finger?
Tom: He's trying to encapsulate the spirit of the movie.
Crow: You could fit that spirit into the tip of his little finger.
Tom: You mean his middle finger.
[MICHAEL AND A CUTE CHICK GIVE ONE ANOTHER THE EYE, AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND A-GODDAM-GAIN]
Crow: Okay, we get the point.
Tom: Boy sees girl, falls in lust. How unusual.
[MOM STROLLS BOARDWALK, SEES RENT-A-COP ON MISSING POSTER]
Crow: And the doughnut shop owners are offering a *hefty* reward forhis safe return.
[MOM COMFORTS LOST KID WHILE MAX THE BOSS-VAMPIRE WATCHES IN APPROVAL]
Joel: Yes, vampires appreciate warmth and humanity in a prospective mate.
[CHEERFUL YOUNG MOTHER RETRIEVES CHILD]
Crow: You can see her distress at the way her little boy almost joined the ranks of the missing.
[MAX'S DOG GROWLS AT PUNK VAMPS]
Tom: Thus do we recognize that the punks are vampires.
Crow: Or dog meat.
Joel: Funny how the dog doesn't growl at Max.
Tom: So he can't be a vampire, right?
Crow: I just love these ingeniously deceptive clues.
[MAX TALKS WITH MOM]
Max: You have a generous nature.
Crow: Give me a few pints?
Mom: I look that needy?
Crow: You're in this movie, aren't you?
Sam: If he's dead, can we go back to Phoenix?
Tom: Go back even if he's still alive.
Crow: Just don't come *here.*
[GRANDPA GETS UP]
Grandpa: Playing dead, and from what I heard doing a darned good job of it.
Joel: No, he needs more practice.
Tom: The rest of the movie should do it.
[TWO KIDS LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER]
Crow [as kid]: Mom, *please* tell me we're adopted.
[INSIDE, SAM WHINES ABOUT LACK OF TV]
Sam: You know what no TV means? No MTV!
Joel: And this is bad?
Crow: If you're a brain-damaged, tone-deaf dork who likes Madonna.
Tom: So the movie's target audience thinks it's tragic.
Joel: All three of them.
[GRANDPA AND MOM TALK AT CORRAL]
Grandpa: You're the only woman I know who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.
Tom: He's so supportive.
Mom: I was raised better than that.
Crow: So she *is* adopted.
[IN HOUSE, KIDS SEE GRANDPA'S MARIJUANA PLANT]
Tom: I see Grandpa is ready for the big scriptwriting conference.
Crow: Too bad they held it after they filmed the movie.
[GRANDPA TALKS WITH MOM AND KIDS ABOUT MURDER SITUATION IN SANTA CARLA]
Grandpa: If all the corpses buried around here stood up--
Crow: They'd walk out with the rest of the audience.
Tom: Notice how concerned mommie dearest is about bringing her boys to the murder capital of the world?
Crow: Funny how the old coot isn't worried.
Joel: Is that senility or complicity?
[GRANDPA STEPS INTO TAXIDERMY ROOM]
Grandpa: Stay out of here!
Crow: Thus do we invoke monster movie rule number one, insuring that the kids will go in there and get in trouble.
[NIGHT CONCERT AT AMUSEMENT PARK. LEAD SINGER GESTURES AT CROWD.]
Joel: Is he giving them the finger?
Tom: He's trying to encapsulate the spirit of the movie.
Crow: You could fit that spirit into the tip of his little finger.
Tom: You mean his middle finger.
[MICHAEL AND A CUTE CHICK GIVE ONE ANOTHER THE EYE, AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND A-GODDAM-GAIN]
Crow: Okay, we get the point.
Tom: Boy sees girl, falls in lust. How unusual.
[MOM STROLLS BOARDWALK, SEES RENT-A-COP ON MISSING POSTER]
Crow: And the doughnut shop owners are offering a *hefty* reward forhis safe return.
[MOM COMFORTS LOST KID WHILE MAX THE BOSS-VAMPIRE WATCHES IN APPROVAL]
Joel: Yes, vampires appreciate warmth and humanity in a prospective mate.
[CHEERFUL YOUNG MOTHER RETRIEVES CHILD]
Crow: You can see her distress at the way her little boy almost joined the ranks of the missing.
[MAX'S DOG GROWLS AT PUNK VAMPS]
Tom: Thus do we recognize that the punks are vampires.
Crow: Or dog meat.
Joel: Funny how the dog doesn't growl at Max.
Tom: So he can't be a vampire, right?
Crow: I just love these ingeniously deceptive clues.
[MAX TALKS WITH MOM]
Max: You have a generous nature.
Crow: Give me a few pints?
Mom: I look that needy?
Crow: You're in this movie, aren't you?