[MOTORCYCLE RACE TO BAD MUSIC]
Joel: They need better music here.
Tom and Crow fake Steppenwolf: "Born to be mild . . . "
[ENTER THE VAMPIRES' UNDERGROUND DEN]
Grunge vampire: Not bad, huh?
Tom: It depends on how you feel about land fills.
Crow: Oh, look--it's Peter Pan, Wendy and all the Lost Boys--
Joel: And that little house-monkey is Tinkerbell?
Tom: That poster of Jim Morrison is, like, so iconic.
Grunge vampire: Too bad they built it on a fault.
Crow: Is he talking about his underground Never-Never Land or the movie?
[GRUNGE GIVES MICHAEL A JOINT]
Grunge vampire: Have a taste.
Tom: Then you'll be ready to work on the script.
Crow: He'll need several joints for that.
Joel: So old coots and geeky vampires smoke pot.
Tom: Sounds like a Moral Majority plotline.
[SAM'S BEDROOM; HE'S IN BED, READING "DESTROY ALL VAMPIRES."]
Tom: A normal, healthy kid would read "Playboy" or "Hustler."
Mom: I think one of the reasons that I divorced your father was because he never believed in the closet monster.
[GRANDPA JUMPS INTO ROOM AND MAKES OOGIE-BOOGIE MONSTER NOISE]
Joel: So her ex- never met Grandpa?
Tom: No, he just didn't believe he was for real.
[GRANDPA GIVES SAM A STUFFED WOODCHUCK]
Mom: You shouldn't have!
Crow: Why not? Some of us like the smell of formaldehyde.
Grandpa: There's more where he came from.
Tom: I was afraid of that.
[CAVE; THEY'RE EATING CHINESE TAKE-OUT]
Grunge vampire: How could a billion Chinese people be wrong?
Crow: Well, they could say this is a good movie.
[Michael spits out maggots]
Star: Leave him alone!
Tom: Yeah, like she wasn't in on the joke.
Joel: If they can hypnotize Michael into thinking that rice is maggots and noodles are worms, why can't they hypnotize him into thinking they look good?
Crow: Vampiric hypnotism has limits.
[BRING OUT AN ORNATE BOTTLE OF BLOOD]
Joel: Chinese blood?
Tom: A half-hour and they'll be thirsty again.
[BAD MUSIC AND WAILING BOYS' CHOIR AS MICHAEL DRINKS]
Crow: This music makes me long to hear Lawrence Welk.
Grunge Vampire: You're one of us now.
Crow: Now Michael *really* needs a drink.
[AT RAILWAY BRIDGE]
Grunge Vampire: I think we should let Michael know what's going on.
Joel: Don't forget the audience.
Tom: Why? Does anyone care any more?
[MICHAEL AND THE VAMPIRES HANG FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE BRIDGE]
Grunge Vampire: Don't be scared!
Crow: This movie already destroyed his career, so what else can happen?
Joel: Looks like Michael is losing his grip.
Tom: He lost it when he got into this movie.
[MICHAEL FALLS FROM BRIDGE AND PLUNGES THROUGH FOG, INTERMINABLY]
[MICHAEL'S BEDROOM; HE DROPS ONTO BED]
Crow: And then the little boy fell *into* bed and woke up. How creative!
[GRANDPA USES WINDEX AS AFTER-SHAVE TO PREPARE FOR DATE]
Joel: The scary thing is that in this town it might make sense.
Crow: I hope they don't show his date.
Tom: I didn't come to this movie to be *that* scared!
Joel: They need better music here.
Tom and Crow fake Steppenwolf: "Born to be mild . . . "
[ENTER THE VAMPIRES' UNDERGROUND DEN]
Grunge vampire: Not bad, huh?
Tom: It depends on how you feel about land fills.
Crow: Oh, look--it's Peter Pan, Wendy and all the Lost Boys--
Joel: And that little house-monkey is Tinkerbell?
Tom: That poster of Jim Morrison is, like, so iconic.
Grunge vampire: Too bad they built it on a fault.
Crow: Is he talking about his underground Never-Never Land or the movie?
[GRUNGE GIVES MICHAEL A JOINT]
Grunge vampire: Have a taste.
Tom: Then you'll be ready to work on the script.
Crow: He'll need several joints for that.
Joel: So old coots and geeky vampires smoke pot.
Tom: Sounds like a Moral Majority plotline.
[SAM'S BEDROOM; HE'S IN BED, READING "DESTROY ALL VAMPIRES."]
Tom: A normal, healthy kid would read "Playboy" or "Hustler."
Mom: I think one of the reasons that I divorced your father was because he never believed in the closet monster.
[GRANDPA JUMPS INTO ROOM AND MAKES OOGIE-BOOGIE MONSTER NOISE]
Joel: So her ex- never met Grandpa?
Tom: No, he just didn't believe he was for real.
[GRANDPA GIVES SAM A STUFFED WOODCHUCK]
Mom: You shouldn't have!
Crow: Why not? Some of us like the smell of formaldehyde.
Grandpa: There's more where he came from.
Tom: I was afraid of that.
[CAVE; THEY'RE EATING CHINESE TAKE-OUT]
Grunge vampire: How could a billion Chinese people be wrong?
Crow: Well, they could say this is a good movie.
[Michael spits out maggots]
Star: Leave him alone!
Tom: Yeah, like she wasn't in on the joke.
Joel: If they can hypnotize Michael into thinking that rice is maggots and noodles are worms, why can't they hypnotize him into thinking they look good?
Crow: Vampiric hypnotism has limits.
[BRING OUT AN ORNATE BOTTLE OF BLOOD]
Joel: Chinese blood?
Tom: A half-hour and they'll be thirsty again.
[BAD MUSIC AND WAILING BOYS' CHOIR AS MICHAEL DRINKS]
Crow: This music makes me long to hear Lawrence Welk.
Grunge Vampire: You're one of us now.
Crow: Now Michael *really* needs a drink.
[AT RAILWAY BRIDGE]
Grunge Vampire: I think we should let Michael know what's going on.
Joel: Don't forget the audience.
Tom: Why? Does anyone care any more?
[MICHAEL AND THE VAMPIRES HANG FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE BRIDGE]
Grunge Vampire: Don't be scared!
Crow: This movie already destroyed his career, so what else can happen?
Joel: Looks like Michael is losing his grip.
Tom: He lost it when he got into this movie.
[MICHAEL FALLS FROM BRIDGE AND PLUNGES THROUGH FOG, INTERMINABLY]
[MICHAEL'S BEDROOM; HE DROPS ONTO BED]
Crow: And then the little boy fell *into* bed and woke up. How creative!
[GRANDPA USES WINDEX AS AFTER-SHAVE TO PREPARE FOR DATE]
Joel: The scary thing is that in this town it might make sense.
Crow: I hope they don't show his date.
Tom: I didn't come to this movie to be *that* scared!