For those who don't know, "Mystery Science Fiction Theater: 3000" ("MST3K") is a TV-show based on the sf tradition of wisecracking at
bad sci-fi movies. MST3K features three people--a human named JOELand two robots named Crow and Tom Servo--whose silhouettes appear
at the bottom of the screen while they comment on the action and ad-lib replies to inane dialogue. MST3K usually trims the slow
parts--but for this movie, that would require cutting *everything.*
[DEEPEST, DARKEST AMAZON. A NATIVE IS TIED TO A CRUDE ALTAR WHILE A PAGAN PRIEST PAINTS WHITE STRIPES ON HIS PECTORALS. THE NATIVE SQUIRMS.]
Crow: Hey! Easy, I'm ticklish!
Joel [as Dave Lister]: You're really gettin' on my pecs, man!
[THE PRIEST TAKES A KNIFE AND CUTS OPEN THE VICTIM'S CHEST]
Tom Servo: Cut on the dotted line.
[MICHAEL MORIARTY, LATER OF "LAW AND ORDER," STANDS TO ONE SIDE WITH A CAMERAMAN. MORIARTY IS WEARING A REALLY BAD BLOND HAIRPIECE]
Joel: Guess they couldn't get Bill Shatner.
Crow: That rug really makes him appreciate going bald.
[MORIARTY SPEAKS TO HIS NERVOUS CAMERAMAN]
Moriarty: Don't be stupid, get your hand off that gun.
Crow: Wait until the scriptwriter shows up.
Cameraman: You are one cold-blooded son of a bitch.
Joel: Do vampires like cold-blooded people?
Tom: Yeah, it's their version of a milkshake.
[OFF-SCREEN, THERE ARE GUNSHOTS]
Crow: They got the writer!
[MORE SHOTS]
Tom: And the producer! And the director!
[AIRPORT TERMINAL. MORIARTY MEETS HIS EX-WIFE AND HER NEW HUSBAND. THEY TELL MORIARTY THAT HIS SON NEEDS HIM.]
New husband: The boy's deeply disturbed, Joe. It's either you or commitment to a psychiatric hospital.
Tom: From what I've seen of his dad, he's better off at the fool farm.
Moriarty: Well, where the hell is he?
Ex-wife: You're the big father-figure, and you can't even recognize him! Go ahead! You find him.
Joel: Oh boy, we get to play hide-and-seek.
[MORIARTY SPOTS HIS SON AND SPEAKS TO HIS EX-]
Moriarty: Only you would put him in an outfit like that.
Crow: With a really bad toupee.
Tom: And Hunter S. Thompson sunglasses.
Kid: Didn't they just tell you? I fucked up!
Crow: No, it was your agent that got you this gig.
[OUTSIDE AIRPORT TERMINAL. EX- AND NEW HUBBY DRIVE OFF]
Joel: Ha-hah, so long, suckers, *we're* out of this movie!
[MORIARTY DISCUSSES HIS NEXT MOVE WITH HIS KID]
Moriarty: There's this little town, it's so small it's not even on most maps.
Crow: Lucky maps.
Tom: Considering this guy's record, is it a good idea to let him decide where to live?
[USED-CAR LOT. THE KID CRITIQUES A CAR]
Kid: It's a piece of shit!
Smiling used-car salesman: I like this kid! I like this kid a lot!
Joel: It's true, you can't trust a used-car salesman.
Crow: Look at that smile. He can't even lie with a straight face.
[MORIARTY AND KID DRIVE THROUGH THE COUNTRYSIDE]
Moriarty: Salem's Lot. It used to be called Jerusalem's lot, but the natives, they shortened it.
Crow: They couldn't handle the longer name?
Tom: Had something to do with all the inbreeding.
[DEEPEST, DARKEST AMAZON. A NATIVE IS TIED TO A CRUDE ALTAR WHILE A PAGAN PRIEST PAINTS WHITE STRIPES ON HIS PECTORALS. THE NATIVE SQUIRMS.]
Crow: Hey! Easy, I'm ticklish!
Joel [as Dave Lister]: You're really gettin' on my pecs, man!
[THE PRIEST TAKES A KNIFE AND CUTS OPEN THE VICTIM'S CHEST]
Tom Servo: Cut on the dotted line.
[MICHAEL MORIARTY, LATER OF "LAW AND ORDER," STANDS TO ONE SIDE WITH A CAMERAMAN. MORIARTY IS WEARING A REALLY BAD BLOND HAIRPIECE]
Joel: Guess they couldn't get Bill Shatner.
Crow: That rug really makes him appreciate going bald.
[MORIARTY SPEAKS TO HIS NERVOUS CAMERAMAN]
Moriarty: Don't be stupid, get your hand off that gun.
Crow: Wait until the scriptwriter shows up.
Cameraman: You are one cold-blooded son of a bitch.
Joel: Do vampires like cold-blooded people?
Tom: Yeah, it's their version of a milkshake.
[OFF-SCREEN, THERE ARE GUNSHOTS]
Crow: They got the writer!
[MORE SHOTS]
Tom: And the producer! And the director!
[AIRPORT TERMINAL. MORIARTY MEETS HIS EX-WIFE AND HER NEW HUSBAND. THEY TELL MORIARTY THAT HIS SON NEEDS HIM.]
New husband: The boy's deeply disturbed, Joe. It's either you or commitment to a psychiatric hospital.
Tom: From what I've seen of his dad, he's better off at the fool farm.
Moriarty: Well, where the hell is he?
Ex-wife: You're the big father-figure, and you can't even recognize him! Go ahead! You find him.
Joel: Oh boy, we get to play hide-and-seek.
[MORIARTY SPOTS HIS SON AND SPEAKS TO HIS EX-]
Moriarty: Only you would put him in an outfit like that.
Crow: With a really bad toupee.
Tom: And Hunter S. Thompson sunglasses.
Kid: Didn't they just tell you? I fucked up!
Crow: No, it was your agent that got you this gig.
[OUTSIDE AIRPORT TERMINAL. EX- AND NEW HUBBY DRIVE OFF]
Joel: Ha-hah, so long, suckers, *we're* out of this movie!
[MORIARTY DISCUSSES HIS NEXT MOVE WITH HIS KID]
Moriarty: There's this little town, it's so small it's not even on most maps.
Crow: Lucky maps.
Tom: Considering this guy's record, is it a good idea to let him decide where to live?
[USED-CAR LOT. THE KID CRITIQUES A CAR]
Kid: It's a piece of shit!
Smiling used-car salesman: I like this kid! I like this kid a lot!
Joel: It's true, you can't trust a used-car salesman.
Crow: Look at that smile. He can't even lie with a straight face.
[MORIARTY AND KID DRIVE THROUGH THE COUNTRYSIDE]
Moriarty: Salem's Lot. It used to be called Jerusalem's lot, but the natives, they shortened it.
Crow: They couldn't handle the longer name?
Tom: Had something to do with all the inbreeding.