[NOW THE KID IS DRIVING. HE CAN BARELY SEE OVER THE WHEEL. MORIARTY REMINISCES ABOUT HIS BOYHOOD VISIT TO SALEM'S LOT, AND HIS AUNT CLARA]
Moriarty: Aunt Clara . . . she's not really my aunt, just a friend of the family.
Joel: So he escaped the inbreeding.
Crow: Then why is he letting his insane boy drive?
[THEY PULL INTO A COLONIAL-STYLE GAS STATION, TRY TO SPEAK WITH A DULL-WITTED ATTENDANT, THEN GIVE UP]
Moriarty: Yes? No? Maybe? See ya around, neighbor.
Joel [as Moriarty, to son]: That's why you never marry your cousin.
Crow: Especially when she's also your aunt.
Tom: And the scriptwriter.
[MORIARTY AND KID GET TO THE HOUSE HE INHERITED FROM AUNT CLARA.]
Moriarty: Watch your step.
Joel: Too late. What did he step in?
Crow: The script.
[INSIDE THE HOUSE. IT'S A WRECK.]
Tom [as kid]: Your Aunt Clara . . . she really hated you, didn't she?
Moriarty [to kid]: Can you use your hands?
Tom: Give him a copy of Penthouse and stand back.
[A COP CAR DRIVES UP. TWO FAT COPS GET OUT]
Crow: Now we know there's a donut shop in town.
[SECOND COP LOOKS AT HOUSE]
Joel: Look! It's Vir! From Babylon-5!
Crow: No, it's Flounder from "Animal House."
Tom [as Flounder]: Oh boy, this is great!
Second cop: You're not plannin' on sleepin' in there, are you?
Crow: No, officer, we're just going to party.
Crow, Tom & Joel sing: "Animal house . . . animal house . . . "
[KID WANDERS THROUGH TOWN]
Joel: Man, this burg is dead . . .
[KID ENTERS SCHOOL]
Crow: Why is this school empty?
Joel: It's summer. School's out.
Crow, Tom & Joel sing Alice Cooper: "School's out for summer! "School's out for-ever!"
Tom [as kid]: Hey, now's my chance to peek in the girls' restroom!
[KID STARTS TO PEEK OVER STAIR RAILING]
Joel: Wait for it . . . wait for it . . . now!
[GEEK JUMPS UP IN KID'S FACE]
Geek: What're ya doin' here, boy?
Crow: Waiting for that jump-in-your-face monster-movie cliche, sir!
Tom: And he fell for it! Neener-neener-neener!
[IN GRAVEYARD, MORIARTY LOOKS AT AUNT'S TOMBSTONE]
Joel: No epitaph?
Crow: "Out to lunch, back before sun-up."
Tom: "Day sleeper, do not disturb."
[NIGHT. GAS STATION. THE ATTENDANT OPENS A SLIDING DOOR, REVEALING COFFINS. A GUY IN AN OLD SUIT, VEST AND GEEK GLASSES RISES FROM THE DEAD]
Tom: Oooh, stylish!
Crow sings disco: "I love the night life, I love to boogie!"
[COUNTRY ROAD AT NIGHT. THE TWO COPS STOP A PICK-UP/CAMPER TRUCK. TWO BOYS AND TWO GIRLS GET OUT]
Tom [loud, as cop]: Fashion police! You're all under arrest!
Crow: Read 'em their rights.
Joel: No, read 'em the alt.gothic.fashion FAQ.
Constable: You kids oughta know better than to be speedin' around Salem's Lot at night!
Joel: They were speeding because they're kind of slow.
Crow: The girls look kind of fast.
Tom: They look like jail bait.
Moriarty: Aunt Clara . . . she's not really my aunt, just a friend of the family.
Joel: So he escaped the inbreeding.
Crow: Then why is he letting his insane boy drive?
[THEY PULL INTO A COLONIAL-STYLE GAS STATION, TRY TO SPEAK WITH A DULL-WITTED ATTENDANT, THEN GIVE UP]
Moriarty: Yes? No? Maybe? See ya around, neighbor.
Joel [as Moriarty, to son]: That's why you never marry your cousin.
Crow: Especially when she's also your aunt.
Tom: And the scriptwriter.
[MORIARTY AND KID GET TO THE HOUSE HE INHERITED FROM AUNT CLARA.]
Moriarty: Watch your step.
Joel: Too late. What did he step in?
Crow: The script.
[INSIDE THE HOUSE. IT'S A WRECK.]
Tom [as kid]: Your Aunt Clara . . . she really hated you, didn't she?
Moriarty [to kid]: Can you use your hands?
Tom: Give him a copy of Penthouse and stand back.
[A COP CAR DRIVES UP. TWO FAT COPS GET OUT]
Crow: Now we know there's a donut shop in town.
[SECOND COP LOOKS AT HOUSE]
Joel: Look! It's Vir! From Babylon-5!
Crow: No, it's Flounder from "Animal House."
Tom [as Flounder]: Oh boy, this is great!
Second cop: You're not plannin' on sleepin' in there, are you?
Crow: No, officer, we're just going to party.
Crow, Tom & Joel sing: "Animal house . . . animal house . . . "
[KID WANDERS THROUGH TOWN]
Joel: Man, this burg is dead . . .
[KID ENTERS SCHOOL]
Crow: Why is this school empty?
Joel: It's summer. School's out.
Crow, Tom & Joel sing Alice Cooper: "School's out for summer! "School's out for-ever!"
Tom [as kid]: Hey, now's my chance to peek in the girls' restroom!
[KID STARTS TO PEEK OVER STAIR RAILING]
Joel: Wait for it . . . wait for it . . . now!
[GEEK JUMPS UP IN KID'S FACE]
Geek: What're ya doin' here, boy?
Crow: Waiting for that jump-in-your-face monster-movie cliche, sir!
Tom: And he fell for it! Neener-neener-neener!
[IN GRAVEYARD, MORIARTY LOOKS AT AUNT'S TOMBSTONE]
Joel: No epitaph?
Crow: "Out to lunch, back before sun-up."
Tom: "Day sleeper, do not disturb."
[NIGHT. GAS STATION. THE ATTENDANT OPENS A SLIDING DOOR, REVEALING COFFINS. A GUY IN AN OLD SUIT, VEST AND GEEK GLASSES RISES FROM THE DEAD]
Tom: Oooh, stylish!
Crow sings disco: "I love the night life, I love to boogie!"
[COUNTRY ROAD AT NIGHT. THE TWO COPS STOP A PICK-UP/CAMPER TRUCK. TWO BOYS AND TWO GIRLS GET OUT]
Tom [loud, as cop]: Fashion police! You're all under arrest!
Crow: Read 'em their rights.
Joel: No, read 'em the alt.gothic.fashion FAQ.
Constable: You kids oughta know better than to be speedin' around Salem's Lot at night!
Joel: They were speeding because they're kind of slow.
Crow: The girls look kind of fast.
Tom: They look like jail bait.
