Joel: You have to love those authentic Maine accents.
Girl [to cops, in monster voice]: Salem's Lot! Salem's Lot!
Second girl: Shut up, you're making it worse!
Tom: How?
Crow: Don't worry, vampires only attack virgins.
Tom: So they're safe unless their daddies find out about this.
Joel: The other three kids are going to die right away.
Crow: How can you tell?
Joel: They're sassing the cops. That's another monster-movie rule. Kids who talk back to their elders always die.
[VAMPIRES ATTACK]
Joel: Twenty minutes and we finally get some fang action.
Crow: Except I don't see any fangs.
Tom: Low budget.
[MONSTROUS VAMPIRE APPEARS]
Tom: *Really* low budget.
[MONSTER-VAMPIRE CLUTCHES THE FACES OF TWO KIDS]
Joel: Wasn't he the stunt-double for the "Alien" face-hugger?
[CONSTABLE TALKS TO SECOND GIRL]
Constable: Your only chance is to run for the church!
Joel: Or the Screen Actors' Guild.
Crow: Why would a town built by vampires have a church?
[GIRL RUNS INTO TOWN, IS GRABBED BY VAMPIRES. ONE CLAWS HER THROAT, AND AS SHE ESCAPES THE VAMPIRES LICKS THE BLOOD FROM HER FINGERS]
Tom: Smells like teen spirit . . .
Crow [as Lugosi]: I taste the blood of a virgin!
Joel: How can you tell she's a virgin?
Crow: She's still alive. That's a monster-movie rule. Virgins live longer.
Tom: They still die. What a lousy way to go.
Crow: See what good, clean living gets you?
[GIRL RUNS INTO CHURCH. VAMPIRES LOOK IN THROUGH WINDOWS]
Tom and Crow [tauntingly, as vampires]: You're still a vir-gin! You're still a vir-gin!
Joel [upset, as girl]: I'm not a virgin! I'm not a virgin!
[CONSTABLE SPEAKS TO BLOODY-MOUTHED VAMPIRE]
Constable: Wipe your mouth!
Joel: Comb your hair!
Crow: Tuck in your shirt!
Tom: Eat your vegetables!
[THE WOODS. TWO WINOS SIT AROUND A CAMPFIRE WITH A BOOZE BOTTLE]
First drunk: Hey! . . . Hey!
Tom: Ah, a graduate of the Stanislavsky school of acting.
Crow: Notice the emotional depth he adds to his lines.
[TWO LITTLE GIRLS APPEAR]
Second drunk: Come closer, little girls, I'll show you how funny we really are!
Joel: They're going to die, too.
Crow: It's another monster-movie rule?
Joel: Yeah. Prove you're unsympathetic so the audience won't care when you die.
Tom: But I thought the idea of a horror story was to make you care about the victims?
Joel: If you did, that would be horrible. Crow: The horrible thing is that they made this movie.
[MORE VAMPIRE KIDS APPEAR]
First Drunk: I think they're retarded!
Second Drunk: No, they're disturbed!
Joel: Well, they just sealed their fate.
[VAMPIRE KIDS ATTACK DRUNKS AND DRINK THEIR BLOOD]
Crow: Aren't they a little young to drink?
Tom: It's okay. They're only drinking Blood Lite.
Girl [to cops, in monster voice]: Salem's Lot! Salem's Lot!
Second girl: Shut up, you're making it worse!
Tom: How?
Crow: Don't worry, vampires only attack virgins.
Tom: So they're safe unless their daddies find out about this.
Joel: The other three kids are going to die right away.
Crow: How can you tell?
Joel: They're sassing the cops. That's another monster-movie rule. Kids who talk back to their elders always die.
[VAMPIRES ATTACK]
Joel: Twenty minutes and we finally get some fang action.
Crow: Except I don't see any fangs.
Tom: Low budget.
[MONSTROUS VAMPIRE APPEARS]
Tom: *Really* low budget.
[MONSTER-VAMPIRE CLUTCHES THE FACES OF TWO KIDS]
Joel: Wasn't he the stunt-double for the "Alien" face-hugger?
[CONSTABLE TALKS TO SECOND GIRL]
Constable: Your only chance is to run for the church!
Joel: Or the Screen Actors' Guild.
Crow: Why would a town built by vampires have a church?
[GIRL RUNS INTO TOWN, IS GRABBED BY VAMPIRES. ONE CLAWS HER THROAT, AND AS SHE ESCAPES THE VAMPIRES LICKS THE BLOOD FROM HER FINGERS]
Tom: Smells like teen spirit . . .
Crow [as Lugosi]: I taste the blood of a virgin!
Joel: How can you tell she's a virgin?
Crow: She's still alive. That's a monster-movie rule. Virgins live longer.
Tom: They still die. What a lousy way to go.
Crow: See what good, clean living gets you?
[GIRL RUNS INTO CHURCH. VAMPIRES LOOK IN THROUGH WINDOWS]
Tom and Crow [tauntingly, as vampires]: You're still a vir-gin! You're still a vir-gin!
Joel [upset, as girl]: I'm not a virgin! I'm not a virgin!
[CONSTABLE SPEAKS TO BLOODY-MOUTHED VAMPIRE]
Constable: Wipe your mouth!
Joel: Comb your hair!
Crow: Tuck in your shirt!
Tom: Eat your vegetables!
[THE WOODS. TWO WINOS SIT AROUND A CAMPFIRE WITH A BOOZE BOTTLE]
First drunk: Hey! . . . Hey!
Tom: Ah, a graduate of the Stanislavsky school of acting.
Crow: Notice the emotional depth he adds to his lines.
[TWO LITTLE GIRLS APPEAR]
Second drunk: Come closer, little girls, I'll show you how funny we really are!
Joel: They're going to die, too.
Crow: It's another monster-movie rule?
Joel: Yeah. Prove you're unsympathetic so the audience won't care when you die.
Tom: But I thought the idea of a horror story was to make you care about the victims?
Joel: If you did, that would be horrible. Crow: The horrible thing is that they made this movie.
[MORE VAMPIRE KIDS APPEAR]
First Drunk: I think they're retarded!
Second Drunk: No, they're disturbed!
Joel: Well, they just sealed their fate.
[VAMPIRE KIDS ATTACK DRUNKS AND DRINK THEIR BLOOD]
Crow: Aren't they a little young to drink?
Tom: It's okay. They're only drinking Blood Lite.
