For those who don't know, "Mystery Science Fiction Theater: 3000" ("MST3K") is a TV-show based on the sf tradition of wisecracking at
bad sci-fi movies. MST3K features three people--a human named JOELand two robots named Crow and Tom Servo--whose silhouettes appear
at the bottom of the screen while they comment on the action and ad-lib replies to inane dialogue. MST3K usually trims the slow
parts--but for this movie, that would require cutting *everything.*
[THE HAMMERWALD AT NIGHT, AS HORSEMEN DRESSED AS PURITANS RACE ALONG]
TOM [as race-track announcer]: And they're off!
CROW: I'll say.
JOEL: Puritans? In Germany?
CROW: It's the Dutch Masters! They're selling cigars door-to-door.
TOM: They're all wearing black hats. That must make them the bad guys.
[THEY RIDE PAST A CROSS]
JOEL: A crucifix in Puritan territory?
CROW: Will Hammer never learn?
[RIDERS STOP OUTSIDE A FOREST CABIN]
RIDER: Halt!
TOM: Please let him be talking to the cameraman.
[INSIDE THE CABIN, A GUY AND A CHICK]
CHICK: I heard something!
CROW: If a Hammer movie flops in the forest, will anyone hear it?
[GUY TAKES AN AXE]
JOEL [as Dudley Do-right]: Don't worry, Little Red Riding Hood, I'll protect you!
[GUSTAV CLOBBERS GUY]
TOM: Tree, spare that woodsman.
JOEL: That isn't a tree, it's Peter Cushing.
CROW: If he isn't a tree, why does he act so wooden?
CHICK: What is it?
TOM: An Amish gang-bang?
[CHICK HOLDS UP CROSS ON NECKLACE]
CHICK: I'm not a witch!
CROW: Or a Protestant.
TOM: Then why is she protesting?
[GUSTAV STEALS HER CROSS]
GUSTAV: Oh God, have mercy on this poor, unfortunate--
JOEL: --Catholic.
GUSTAV: God, we commend unto thee her earthly body--
TOM: Wait, we'll keep *that* for ourselves!
[CHICK BURNS AT THE STAKE]
CROW: Okay, who has the marshmallows and weenies?
GUSTAV: Let us pray.
TOM: To get out of this movie.
[CREDITS ROLL]
JOEL: Here come the weenies.
[CREDIT: "RANK FILM PROCESSING"]
TOM: Look, honesty in advertising.
[CREDIT: "SCREENPLAY BY TUDOR GATES"]
TOM, CROW and JOEL laugh at the obvious pen name.
CROW: Somebody should have shown Gates the door.
TOM: Is he related to Tudor Turtle?
JOEL: Help, Mr. Wizard! I don't want to be a screenwriter any more!
CROW: So what, keep typing!
TOM: Look, they're ripping of "Carmilla" again.
[DAYTIME. COACH ROLLS DOWN THE ROAD. WE SEE THE COLLINSON TWINS]
TOM and JOEL sing: "Double your pleasure, double your fun . . . "
CROW: Not in this movie.
TOM: Which witch is which?
[TWINS SEE CASTLE]
TWIN: Oh, look! It's like something out of a fairy tale!
JOEL: Or the Hammer film vault.
TWIN: Who lives there?
WOMAN PASSENGER: Count Karnstein.
CROW: Does he count for much?
JOEL: Not in this movie.
[PEASANT FIXES WHEELS BY ROADSIDE]
CROW: Think he could fix the script next?
[IN COACH]
TWIN: We come from Venice.
TOM: With that accent?
CROW: They get the Kate Mulgrew Trophy for Most Annoying Voices.
[KARNSTEIN VILLAGE. PEASANT PUSHES WAGON WHEEL]
JOEL: I see he couldn't fix that wagon.
[VILLAGE IDIOTS GAWK AT TWINS]
TOM [as gawker]: Look, it's Miss October!
CROW [as second gawker]: And her sister!
JOEL: Which one is the evil twin?
[IN GUSTAV'S HOUSE]
AUNT: Had you lived in Karnstein you would still be wearing black.
CROW: Why?
JOEL: Because Hammer keeps making movies here.
GUSTAV: What kind of plummage is this? Birds of paradise?
TOM: Cuckoos?
JOEL: Who is this old buzzard?
GUSTAV: Honor thy mother and father.
TOM: But he's their *uncle.*
GUSTAV: I'm going out!
JOEL: And he's dressed to kill.
CROW: That explains why he prefers basic black.
GUSTAV: There's a meeting of the Brotherhood.
CROW: At the corner bar and brothel.
TOM: They're going to discuss wearing black collars.
[AUNT WATCHES HIM LEAVE]
TOM [as aunt]: Schmuck.
[PURITANS MEET IN HALL]
GUSTAVGustav: This place has been accursed by the evil of some who abide here!
CROW: That's a hell of a way for him to talk about Hammer Films!
PURITAN DWEEB: I know of one!
TOM: Does she have a sister?
DWEEB: She lives alone in the forest, with no husband.
JOEL: Have to wonder how he knows so much about her.
[PURITANS CARRY ON. GUSTAV SILENCES THEM WITH A GESTURE]
TOM [as Gustav]: Okay, who want to be in the sequel?
[DEAD SILENCE]
CROW [as Gustav turns from his prayer]: Everyone who wants to be in the sequel, sit down.
[EVERYONE RUNS OUT]
[TWINS WHINING IN BED]
TWIN: In bed by nine!
CROW [as twin]: And with no dessert after supper!
TOM [as twin]: Just because we *wanted* to be in this movie!
[WHISPERED DIALOGUE BECOMES INAUDIBLE]
TOM: Huh? Speak up!
JOEL: What are they saying?
CROW: Goddam British sound levels. This is worse than "Masterpiece Theatre."
TOM: Why do they think that whispers have to be inaudible in a movie?
CROW: Somebody needs to tell the Brits that dialogue is there to be heard.
TOM: On second thought, maybe there are some things man was not meant to hear.
[THE HAMMERWALD AT NIGHT, AS HORSEMEN DRESSED AS PURITANS RACE ALONG]
TOM [as race-track announcer]: And they're off!
CROW: I'll say.
JOEL: Puritans? In Germany?
CROW: It's the Dutch Masters! They're selling cigars door-to-door.
TOM: They're all wearing black hats. That must make them the bad guys.
[THEY RIDE PAST A CROSS]
JOEL: A crucifix in Puritan territory?
CROW: Will Hammer never learn?
[RIDERS STOP OUTSIDE A FOREST CABIN]
RIDER: Halt!
TOM: Please let him be talking to the cameraman.
[INSIDE THE CABIN, A GUY AND A CHICK]
CHICK: I heard something!
CROW: If a Hammer movie flops in the forest, will anyone hear it?
[GUY TAKES AN AXE]
JOEL [as Dudley Do-right]: Don't worry, Little Red Riding Hood, I'll protect you!
[GUSTAV CLOBBERS GUY]
TOM: Tree, spare that woodsman.
JOEL: That isn't a tree, it's Peter Cushing.
CROW: If he isn't a tree, why does he act so wooden?
CHICK: What is it?
TOM: An Amish gang-bang?
[CHICK HOLDS UP CROSS ON NECKLACE]
CHICK: I'm not a witch!
CROW: Or a Protestant.
TOM: Then why is she protesting?
[GUSTAV STEALS HER CROSS]
GUSTAV: Oh God, have mercy on this poor, unfortunate--
JOEL: --Catholic.
GUSTAV: God, we commend unto thee her earthly body--
TOM: Wait, we'll keep *that* for ourselves!
[CHICK BURNS AT THE STAKE]
CROW: Okay, who has the marshmallows and weenies?
GUSTAV: Let us pray.
TOM: To get out of this movie.
[CREDITS ROLL]
JOEL: Here come the weenies.
[CREDIT: "RANK FILM PROCESSING"]
TOM: Look, honesty in advertising.
[CREDIT: "SCREENPLAY BY TUDOR GATES"]
TOM, CROW and JOEL laugh at the obvious pen name.
CROW: Somebody should have shown Gates the door.
TOM: Is he related to Tudor Turtle?
JOEL: Help, Mr. Wizard! I don't want to be a screenwriter any more!
CROW: So what, keep typing!
TOM: Look, they're ripping of "Carmilla" again.
[DAYTIME. COACH ROLLS DOWN THE ROAD. WE SEE THE COLLINSON TWINS]
TOM and JOEL sing: "Double your pleasure, double your fun . . . "
CROW: Not in this movie.
TOM: Which witch is which?
[TWINS SEE CASTLE]
TWIN: Oh, look! It's like something out of a fairy tale!
JOEL: Or the Hammer film vault.
TWIN: Who lives there?
WOMAN PASSENGER: Count Karnstein.
CROW: Does he count for much?
JOEL: Not in this movie.
[PEASANT FIXES WHEELS BY ROADSIDE]
CROW: Think he could fix the script next?
[IN COACH]
TWIN: We come from Venice.
TOM: With that accent?
CROW: They get the Kate Mulgrew Trophy for Most Annoying Voices.
[KARNSTEIN VILLAGE. PEASANT PUSHES WAGON WHEEL]
JOEL: I see he couldn't fix that wagon.
[VILLAGE IDIOTS GAWK AT TWINS]
TOM [as gawker]: Look, it's Miss October!
CROW [as second gawker]: And her sister!
JOEL: Which one is the evil twin?
[IN GUSTAV'S HOUSE]
AUNT: Had you lived in Karnstein you would still be wearing black.
CROW: Why?
JOEL: Because Hammer keeps making movies here.
GUSTAV: What kind of plummage is this? Birds of paradise?
TOM: Cuckoos?
JOEL: Who is this old buzzard?
GUSTAV: Honor thy mother and father.
TOM: But he's their *uncle.*
GUSTAV: I'm going out!
JOEL: And he's dressed to kill.
CROW: That explains why he prefers basic black.
GUSTAV: There's a meeting of the Brotherhood.
CROW: At the corner bar and brothel.
TOM: They're going to discuss wearing black collars.
[AUNT WATCHES HIM LEAVE]
TOM [as aunt]: Schmuck.
[PURITANS MEET IN HALL]
GUSTAVGustav: This place has been accursed by the evil of some who abide here!
CROW: That's a hell of a way for him to talk about Hammer Films!
PURITAN DWEEB: I know of one!
TOM: Does she have a sister?
DWEEB: She lives alone in the forest, with no husband.
JOEL: Have to wonder how he knows so much about her.
[PURITANS CARRY ON. GUSTAV SILENCES THEM WITH A GESTURE]
TOM [as Gustav]: Okay, who want to be in the sequel?
[DEAD SILENCE]
CROW [as Gustav turns from his prayer]: Everyone who wants to be in the sequel, sit down.
[EVERYONE RUNS OUT]
[TWINS WHINING IN BED]
TWIN: In bed by nine!
CROW [as twin]: And with no dessert after supper!
TOM [as twin]: Just because we *wanted* to be in this movie!
[WHISPERED DIALOGUE BECOMES INAUDIBLE]
TOM: Huh? Speak up!
JOEL: What are they saying?
CROW: Goddam British sound levels. This is worse than "Masterpiece Theatre."
TOM: Why do they think that whispers have to be inaudible in a movie?
CROW: Somebody needs to tell the Brits that dialogue is there to be heard.
TOM: On second thought, maybe there are some things man was not meant to hear.