[BIG BLACK GUY SEES PURITANS RIDING THROUGH THE WOODS]
CROW: Looks like he's flashing back on "Birth of A Nation."
JOEL: With any luck the night-riders will lose this time.
TOM: Think Gustav's Brotherhood would look better in pointed hoods?
CROW: Why not? They have the pointed heads to wear them.
[GUSTAV PEERS IN WINDOW OF BIMBO'S CABIN]
CROW: Funny how this place has so many bimboes living alone in forest cabins.
TOM: Did you notice how none of the Brotherhood needed to ask for directions to her cabin?
[GUSTAV CONFRONTS COUNT KARNSTEIN IN BIMBO'S CABIN]
GUSTAV: There is a higher authority!
JOEL: Yeah, the box-office receipts.
GUSTAV: God will have his revenge!
TOM: So will Montezuma.
CROW: He already did. Where do you think they got the script?
[BIMBO LAUGHS AS GUSTAV MOVES MOUTH WITHOUT TALKING]
CROW: Cushing is *tres* funny when he forgets his lines, no?
TOM: Think he forgot on purpose?
COUNT: Everyone loves a good hanging!
JOEL: Especially if they'd bag this film's production crew.
[PURITANS HEAR A FAINT SCREAM]
TOM: What's that?
CROW: Some poor devil who looked at the rest of the script.
[PURITANS FIND DEAD MAN WITH VAMPIRE BITE-MARKS ON NECK]
TOM: That scream was faint and far-away, so why is the victim so close?
PURITAN: See! I warned you!
JOEL: But, would you listen? No! You just had to get in this movie!
GUSTAV: Let us ride.
TOM: Ride *away!*
JOEL: Burning bimboes and witches is one thing, but nobody said anything about vampires!
[A YOUNG BLONDE WOMAN WALKS DOWN A FOREST ROAD ALONE AT NIGHT]
CROW: Considering that the Brotherhood likes to abduct and kill single young woman, should she really be out like this?
[BLONDE ALMOST OUTRUNS THE BROTHERHOOD'S HORSES]
TOM: Amazing how fast those horses are.
[PURITANS WATCH THE BLONDE BURN AT THE STAKE]
TOM [as Puritan]: Darn, we forgot the marshmallows *again!*
[AT HOME, TWIN LISTENS INTENTLY WHILE GUSTAV RANTS ABOUT THE COUNT AND HIS WICKED DOINGS AT THE CASTLE]
CROW: Looks like somebody paid attention in Clue Class.
[AT CASTLE, COUNT WATCHES A SATANIC RITE]
COUNTCount: Can you never find anything new, different?
JOEL: In a Hammer vampire movie?
[SATANIST STABS A SMALL BAG AND DRIBBLES BLOOD OVER NAKED BLONDE ON ALTAR]
TOM: Cut! Okay, save the costumes, props and this page from the script, we can use it all again in "The Satanic Rites of Dracula."
COUNT: Twins. That would be something different.
TOM: So would a sharp stick in the eye.
CROW: That might be better than these twins.
JOEL: Their voices are more like a sharp stick in the ear.
COUNT: I don't know why I employ you. You bore me and everything you do I find tedious.
CROW: Thus spake Hammer's CEO to his creative staff.
COUNT'S FLUNKY: Look, he's possessed!
[COUNT INTERRUPTS SACRIFICE OF BLONDE]
JOEL: He spoiled everything!
TOM: Now he'll have to be repossessed.
COUNT: You are all charlatans, all of you get out!
TOM: And don't come back until you have a better script!
CROW: Dracula, AD 1972?
[COUNT LOOKS TO PORTRAITS OF ANCESTORS]
COUNT: They didn't play at being wicked!
JOEL: Hammer: The Golden Years.
COUNT: . . . of punishment, of inflicting and receiving it, of torture and death.
TOM: Back then Hammer knew how to give the audience what it wanted.
JOEL: It still did.
CROW: They just didn't torture people with the actual movie.
[BLOOD DRIPS FROM BLONDE VICTIM TO SHROUDED BODY BELOW ALTAR]
TOM: Why is it that this shrouded body doesn't show up in any of the long shots?
CROW: This is a job for the continuity police!
[COUNT CALLS ON SATAN; SHROUDED FIGURE APPEARS]
CROW: He calls on the devil, and gets scared when he gets an answer?
TOM: Maybe he expected to be put on hold?
JOEL: Does the devil have call-waiting?
[BLONDE VAMPIRESS APPEARS. CLOSE-UP OF STATUE BASE SHOWS NAME: MIRCALLA]
CROW: Hence the Sheridan le Fanu attribution in the credits.
TOM: Say, if they needed the spilled blood to summon Carmilla, then which vampire killed that guy the Puritans found in the woods?
COUNT: When?
VAMPIRESS: Now.
TOM: Kewl!
JOEL [as director]: Okay, let's have some gratuitous groping here. Blondie, I want you to stroke that long, hard, black candle. Keep it up until we have enough to get that all-important "R" rating.
CROW: At last some fang action!
[COUNT LOOKS IN MIRROR AND VANISHES]
CROW: He's fading faster than his career.
[GUSTAV]
AUNT: They're hunting the boars.
TOM: The bores? You mean they had more than one scriptwriter?
CROW: Yes! It takes teamwork to make something this bad!
[GIRLS' SCHOOL; SCHOOLMARM SEES TWINS]
SCHOOLMARM: I'll never be able to tell one from the other!
CROW: I'll bet she says that to all the twins.
TOM: What makes it funny is that she's looking at their busts as she says this.
[ANTON THE TEACHER SEES TWINS; CAMERA SHOWS HIS POINT OF VIEW, WITH ONE IN FOCUS AND THE OTHER OUT OF FOCUS]
JOEL: There goes half the special-effects budget.
CROW: I guess this means Anton is smitten.
TOM: Love at first bite?
CROW: Now, is he smitten with the good twin or the evil twin?
TWIN: I hate it here!
CROW: She must be the one who aced Clue Class.
[TWIN LOOKS OUT WINDOW INTO COURTYARD, SEES COUNT. SUDDENLY THE TWIN IS OUTSIDE, LOOKING AT THE COUNT AS SHE LEANS ON A RAILING]
JOEL: Continuity police!
CROW [as director]: Lean over, show some more cleavage, maybe the audience will forget how inane this is.
JOEL: The schoolmarm loves Anton, who loves Frieda, who loves the Count, who loves Maria--this is getting to be like a Shakespearean comedy.
TOM: Much Ado About Nothing?
CROW: All's Well That Ends?
[COUNT ARGUES WITH GUSTAV ABOUT TWIN]
COUNT: A pleasure to make her company.
TOM: But then, she wasn't talking.
GUSTAV: Both my nieces will be instructed never to speak to you again!
CROW: Or anyone else, please.
TOM: Well, the Count doesn't want to *speak* to them anyway.
CROW: What makes Gustav think they'll listen?
TOM: Tell a teenager to *not* do something? That's the worst thing you can do in a horror movie!
CROW: Looks like he's flashing back on "Birth of A Nation."
JOEL: With any luck the night-riders will lose this time.
TOM: Think Gustav's Brotherhood would look better in pointed hoods?
CROW: Why not? They have the pointed heads to wear them.
[GUSTAV PEERS IN WINDOW OF BIMBO'S CABIN]
CROW: Funny how this place has so many bimboes living alone in forest cabins.
TOM: Did you notice how none of the Brotherhood needed to ask for directions to her cabin?
[GUSTAV CONFRONTS COUNT KARNSTEIN IN BIMBO'S CABIN]
GUSTAV: There is a higher authority!
JOEL: Yeah, the box-office receipts.
GUSTAV: God will have his revenge!
TOM: So will Montezuma.
CROW: He already did. Where do you think they got the script?
[BIMBO LAUGHS AS GUSTAV MOVES MOUTH WITHOUT TALKING]
CROW: Cushing is *tres* funny when he forgets his lines, no?
TOM: Think he forgot on purpose?
COUNT: Everyone loves a good hanging!
JOEL: Especially if they'd bag this film's production crew.
[PURITANS HEAR A FAINT SCREAM]
TOM: What's that?
CROW: Some poor devil who looked at the rest of the script.
[PURITANS FIND DEAD MAN WITH VAMPIRE BITE-MARKS ON NECK]
TOM: That scream was faint and far-away, so why is the victim so close?
PURITAN: See! I warned you!
JOEL: But, would you listen? No! You just had to get in this movie!
GUSTAV: Let us ride.
TOM: Ride *away!*
JOEL: Burning bimboes and witches is one thing, but nobody said anything about vampires!
[A YOUNG BLONDE WOMAN WALKS DOWN A FOREST ROAD ALONE AT NIGHT]
CROW: Considering that the Brotherhood likes to abduct and kill single young woman, should she really be out like this?
[BLONDE ALMOST OUTRUNS THE BROTHERHOOD'S HORSES]
TOM: Amazing how fast those horses are.
[PURITANS WATCH THE BLONDE BURN AT THE STAKE]
TOM [as Puritan]: Darn, we forgot the marshmallows *again!*
[AT HOME, TWIN LISTENS INTENTLY WHILE GUSTAV RANTS ABOUT THE COUNT AND HIS WICKED DOINGS AT THE CASTLE]
CROW: Looks like somebody paid attention in Clue Class.
[AT CASTLE, COUNT WATCHES A SATANIC RITE]
COUNTCount: Can you never find anything new, different?
JOEL: In a Hammer vampire movie?
[SATANIST STABS A SMALL BAG AND DRIBBLES BLOOD OVER NAKED BLONDE ON ALTAR]
TOM: Cut! Okay, save the costumes, props and this page from the script, we can use it all again in "The Satanic Rites of Dracula."
COUNT: Twins. That would be something different.
TOM: So would a sharp stick in the eye.
CROW: That might be better than these twins.
JOEL: Their voices are more like a sharp stick in the ear.
COUNT: I don't know why I employ you. You bore me and everything you do I find tedious.
CROW: Thus spake Hammer's CEO to his creative staff.
COUNT'S FLUNKY: Look, he's possessed!
[COUNT INTERRUPTS SACRIFICE OF BLONDE]
JOEL: He spoiled everything!
TOM: Now he'll have to be repossessed.
COUNT: You are all charlatans, all of you get out!
TOM: And don't come back until you have a better script!
CROW: Dracula, AD 1972?
[COUNT LOOKS TO PORTRAITS OF ANCESTORS]
COUNT: They didn't play at being wicked!
JOEL: Hammer: The Golden Years.
COUNT: . . . of punishment, of inflicting and receiving it, of torture and death.
TOM: Back then Hammer knew how to give the audience what it wanted.
JOEL: It still did.
CROW: They just didn't torture people with the actual movie.
[BLOOD DRIPS FROM BLONDE VICTIM TO SHROUDED BODY BELOW ALTAR]
TOM: Why is it that this shrouded body doesn't show up in any of the long shots?
CROW: This is a job for the continuity police!
[COUNT CALLS ON SATAN; SHROUDED FIGURE APPEARS]
CROW: He calls on the devil, and gets scared when he gets an answer?
TOM: Maybe he expected to be put on hold?
JOEL: Does the devil have call-waiting?
[BLONDE VAMPIRESS APPEARS. CLOSE-UP OF STATUE BASE SHOWS NAME: MIRCALLA]
CROW: Hence the Sheridan le Fanu attribution in the credits.
TOM: Say, if they needed the spilled blood to summon Carmilla, then which vampire killed that guy the Puritans found in the woods?
COUNT: When?
VAMPIRESS: Now.
TOM: Kewl!
JOEL [as director]: Okay, let's have some gratuitous groping here. Blondie, I want you to stroke that long, hard, black candle. Keep it up until we have enough to get that all-important "R" rating.
CROW: At last some fang action!
[COUNT LOOKS IN MIRROR AND VANISHES]
CROW: He's fading faster than his career.
[GUSTAV]
AUNT: They're hunting the boars.
TOM: The bores? You mean they had more than one scriptwriter?
CROW: Yes! It takes teamwork to make something this bad!
[GIRLS' SCHOOL; SCHOOLMARM SEES TWINS]
SCHOOLMARM: I'll never be able to tell one from the other!
CROW: I'll bet she says that to all the twins.
TOM: What makes it funny is that she's looking at their busts as she says this.
[ANTON THE TEACHER SEES TWINS; CAMERA SHOWS HIS POINT OF VIEW, WITH ONE IN FOCUS AND THE OTHER OUT OF FOCUS]
JOEL: There goes half the special-effects budget.
CROW: I guess this means Anton is smitten.
TOM: Love at first bite?
CROW: Now, is he smitten with the good twin or the evil twin?
TWIN: I hate it here!
CROW: She must be the one who aced Clue Class.
[TWIN LOOKS OUT WINDOW INTO COURTYARD, SEES COUNT. SUDDENLY THE TWIN IS OUTSIDE, LOOKING AT THE COUNT AS SHE LEANS ON A RAILING]
JOEL: Continuity police!
CROW [as director]: Lean over, show some more cleavage, maybe the audience will forget how inane this is.
JOEL: The schoolmarm loves Anton, who loves Frieda, who loves the Count, who loves Maria--this is getting to be like a Shakespearean comedy.
TOM: Much Ado About Nothing?
CROW: All's Well That Ends?
[COUNT ARGUES WITH GUSTAV ABOUT TWIN]
COUNT: A pleasure to make her company.
TOM: But then, she wasn't talking.
GUSTAV: Both my nieces will be instructed never to speak to you again!
CROW: Or anyone else, please.
TOM: Well, the Count doesn't want to *speak* to them anyway.
CROW: What makes Gustav think they'll listen?
TOM: Tell a teenager to *not* do something? That's the worst thing you can do in a horror movie!
