[TWINS PRATTLING IN BEDROOM]
Twin: There will be a terrible scene!
JOEL: There already is.
CROW: One in a series of many.
EVIL TWIN: You're terrified of dear Uncle Gustav.
GOOD TWIN: Yes I am!
EVIL TWIN: Well I'm not!
CROW: After all, he's only a grim, impotent psychotic who gets his jollies by burning innocent young girls at the stake, so what's there to worry about?
TOM: Too bad the Brotherhood didn't have Viagra. Then they could have done something a little less fatal with the local girls.
[THE CASTLE. DINNER. THE COUNT, EVIL TWIN, BIMBO & FLUNKY. THE COUNT SPEAKS TO THE FLUNKY]
COUNT: You're not amusing us tonight.
TOM: Like this is something unusual.
JOEL: Why is this vampire count eating and drinking?
COUNT: No more more of your love life, it's too boring.
CROW: Look who's talking.
COUNT: Everyone is so down this evening!
TOM: Quit looking at the audience!
COUNT: You need to be taught a lesson!
CROW: Fortunately the count teaches night school.
[COUNT AND TWIN LOOK IN MIRROR; TWIN SHOWS UP, COUNT DOESN'T]
COUNT: Look, what do you see?
[TWIN SEES HERSELF]
TOM [as twin]: Eeek, a zit!
JOEL: The special effects in this scene are abnormally good.
CROW: Polanski used the same gimmick in "The Fearless Vampire Hunters." The mirror is a sheet of glass with a duplicate of the room behind it. The "reflection" is just one of the twins.
JOEL: Lucky they had a twin, isn't it?
TOM: Not really. No twins, no movie. Think it through.
[COUNT TURNS TWIN INTO A VAMPIRE. VAMPIRE TWIN GOES TO BIMBO, BITES HER ON THE BREAST]
TOM, CROW and JOEL sing Bob Hope: "Fangs for the Mammaries . . . "
[BROTHERHOOD RIDES THROUGH THE HAMMERWALD, GRABS A YOUNG WOMAN AND BURNS HER AT THE STAKE. GUSTAV CROSSES HIMSELF.]
TOM: This must be why the Count calls it "the hated cross."
CROW: The Count kills to get the Devil's favor and destroy Satan's enemies. Gustav kills to get God's favor and destroy God's enemies. Could somebody tell me the difference between them?
JOEL: Well, the twin lived after the Count turned her into a vampire, so I'd have to say he's not as deadly as Gustav.
[ANTON AND SCHOOLMARM IN FRONT OF FIREPLACE]
ANTON: Sick . . . fear . . . revulsion . . . I'm such a coward.
CROW: And a whiner.
ANTON: Frieda has a fire inside her.
TOM: And she'll have one on the outside if Gustav catches her with the Count.
[INAUDIBLE WHISPERS]
JOEL: Why are they whispering in private?
TOM: Because the dialog embarrasses them?
[MORE DAMNED WHISPERING]
CROW: Okay, Hammer, we get it, they're whispering, now what in hell are they *saying?*
TOM: They're trying to establish that several days have passed since the evil twin became a vampire.
JOEL: Why?
CROW: Who knows? You expect this to make sense?
[SCENE CHANGES WITH A DEAFENING BLARE OF BAD MUSIC]
TOM: Goddam British sound levels!
[VAMPIRE TWIN RETURNS TO BEDROOM; GOOD TWIN TELLS HOW SHE FOOLED GUSTAV INTO NOT KNOWING HER SISTER WAS GONE]
GOOD TWIN: I pretended to be you.
TOM: And who pretended to be her?
CROW: Gustav was too deceived by her brilliant act to notice there was only one twin in the bedroom.
[SCHOOL; ANTON PLAYS HARPSICHORD FOR GIRL STUDENTS]
JOEL: Has it occured to anyone to wonder why they have a girls' finishing school *here?*
TOM: Maybe it's because the Brotherhood has finished off so many girls.
[GIRLS LEAVE]
TOM: They're setting a good example for the audience.
[ANTON WRITES SOMETHING ON SHEET MUSIC FOR SONG HE'S COMPOSING]
CROW: And Anton is setting a good example for the scriptwriter.
TOM: Yeah, there's always room for improvement.
[GUSTAV ENTERS, WANDERS AROUND WITHOUT TALKING]
TOM: Forgot his lines again, I see.
CROW: Funny how it doesn't make a difference.
TOM: If only something here *were* funny.
GUSTAV: Burning purifies!
JOEL: I guess he never heard of smog.
[ANTON TELLS GUSTAV ABOUT VAMPIRES]
CROW: Not bad for somebody who doesn't believe in superstitions.
TOM: Where did he get this crap? The "How and Why Wonder Book of Vampires"?
GUSTAV: If you ever interfere with the ways of the Brotherhood again, you will suffer!
TOM: We'll put you in the sequel!
GUSTAV: Take care, Anton, for your sake . . . and your sister's.
TOM: I'll bet she burns like a California hillside in August.
[ALONE WITH SCHOOLMARM, ANTON PLAYS HARPSICHORD AND SINGS]
TOM: Oh, man, where are those low British sound levels when we really need them?
ANTON: Oh, I can take care of the girls.
CROW: Talk about an ego!
[WOODS AT NIGHT. EVIL TWIN STALKS THE COUNT'S FLUNKY]
TOM: That bald spot makes it easy to spot him in the dark.
CROW: He of all people should know better than to wander around these woods alone at night.
[AT SCHOOL; ANTON PLAYS HARPSICHORD FOR STUDENTS; GUSTAV ENTERS]
GUSTAV: So, schoolmaster, you do not believe in the devil!
JOEL: Or in the Easter bunny.
ANTON: I demand an explanation!
TOM: Get in line with the rest of us.
[WOODS AT NIGHT. PURITAN WALKS WITH HIS HORSE]
CROW: These blind dates can be so awkward.
TOM: But he's probably the best she could do, the old nag.
[PURITAN MEETS EVIL TWIN]
PURITAN: Child, you should not be out so late.
CROW: Let me put you to bed, heh-heh-heh . . .
[TWIN MOVES IN FOR THE KILL
JOEL: Don't you just love how trusting he is?
TOM: Especially when he knows there's a vampire on the loose.
[IN CHURCH, PURITANS HEAR HIM SCREAM. AS TWIN FINISHES HER MEAL, SHE LOOKS UP TO SEE BROTHERHOOD SURROUNDING HER]
CROW: Man, are they ever fast!
JOEL: She shouldn't have made a kill so close to their chapel.
TWIN: You've got to believe me!
CROW: The corpse, fangs and blood on her mouth spoil her alibi.
GUSTAV: The devil has sent me twins of evil!
JOEL: Cool title.
TOM: Enhh . . .
CROW: So how does Gustav know they're *both* evil?
[GUSTAV'S HOUSE; GUSTAV IS SITTING IN A CLASSIC POSITION]
CROW: That bathroom gives him no privacy.
[GUSTAV SPEAKS TO THE AUNT]
GUSTAV The young must be chastised!
TOM: By forcing them to watch this movie.
GUSTAV: What state of mind do you think I was in?
TOM: A state? How about Turkey?
JOEL: Germania?
CROW: Norway was he sane.
TOM: Let's Finnish making these mediocre puns.
AUNT: Can't anything be done for her? The spirit exorcised?
CROW: Would New Age spirits respond to aerobics?
Twin: There will be a terrible scene!
JOEL: There already is.
CROW: One in a series of many.
EVIL TWIN: You're terrified of dear Uncle Gustav.
GOOD TWIN: Yes I am!
EVIL TWIN: Well I'm not!
CROW: After all, he's only a grim, impotent psychotic who gets his jollies by burning innocent young girls at the stake, so what's there to worry about?
TOM: Too bad the Brotherhood didn't have Viagra. Then they could have done something a little less fatal with the local girls.
[THE CASTLE. DINNER. THE COUNT, EVIL TWIN, BIMBO & FLUNKY. THE COUNT SPEAKS TO THE FLUNKY]
COUNT: You're not amusing us tonight.
TOM: Like this is something unusual.
JOEL: Why is this vampire count eating and drinking?
COUNT: No more more of your love life, it's too boring.
CROW: Look who's talking.
COUNT: Everyone is so down this evening!
TOM: Quit looking at the audience!
COUNT: You need to be taught a lesson!
CROW: Fortunately the count teaches night school.
[COUNT AND TWIN LOOK IN MIRROR; TWIN SHOWS UP, COUNT DOESN'T]
COUNT: Look, what do you see?
[TWIN SEES HERSELF]
TOM [as twin]: Eeek, a zit!
JOEL: The special effects in this scene are abnormally good.
CROW: Polanski used the same gimmick in "The Fearless Vampire Hunters." The mirror is a sheet of glass with a duplicate of the room behind it. The "reflection" is just one of the twins.
JOEL: Lucky they had a twin, isn't it?
TOM: Not really. No twins, no movie. Think it through.
[COUNT TURNS TWIN INTO A VAMPIRE. VAMPIRE TWIN GOES TO BIMBO, BITES HER ON THE BREAST]
TOM, CROW and JOEL sing Bob Hope: "Fangs for the Mammaries . . . "
[BROTHERHOOD RIDES THROUGH THE HAMMERWALD, GRABS A YOUNG WOMAN AND BURNS HER AT THE STAKE. GUSTAV CROSSES HIMSELF.]
TOM: This must be why the Count calls it "the hated cross."
CROW: The Count kills to get the Devil's favor and destroy Satan's enemies. Gustav kills to get God's favor and destroy God's enemies. Could somebody tell me the difference between them?
JOEL: Well, the twin lived after the Count turned her into a vampire, so I'd have to say he's not as deadly as Gustav.
[ANTON AND SCHOOLMARM IN FRONT OF FIREPLACE]
ANTON: Sick . . . fear . . . revulsion . . . I'm such a coward.
CROW: And a whiner.
ANTON: Frieda has a fire inside her.
TOM: And she'll have one on the outside if Gustav catches her with the Count.
[INAUDIBLE WHISPERS]
JOEL: Why are they whispering in private?
TOM: Because the dialog embarrasses them?
[MORE DAMNED WHISPERING]
CROW: Okay, Hammer, we get it, they're whispering, now what in hell are they *saying?*
TOM: They're trying to establish that several days have passed since the evil twin became a vampire.
JOEL: Why?
CROW: Who knows? You expect this to make sense?
[SCENE CHANGES WITH A DEAFENING BLARE OF BAD MUSIC]
TOM: Goddam British sound levels!
[VAMPIRE TWIN RETURNS TO BEDROOM; GOOD TWIN TELLS HOW SHE FOOLED GUSTAV INTO NOT KNOWING HER SISTER WAS GONE]
GOOD TWIN: I pretended to be you.
TOM: And who pretended to be her?
CROW: Gustav was too deceived by her brilliant act to notice there was only one twin in the bedroom.
[SCHOOL; ANTON PLAYS HARPSICHORD FOR GIRL STUDENTS]
JOEL: Has it occured to anyone to wonder why they have a girls' finishing school *here?*
TOM: Maybe it's because the Brotherhood has finished off so many girls.
[GIRLS LEAVE]
TOM: They're setting a good example for the audience.
[ANTON WRITES SOMETHING ON SHEET MUSIC FOR SONG HE'S COMPOSING]
CROW: And Anton is setting a good example for the scriptwriter.
TOM: Yeah, there's always room for improvement.
[GUSTAV ENTERS, WANDERS AROUND WITHOUT TALKING]
TOM: Forgot his lines again, I see.
CROW: Funny how it doesn't make a difference.
TOM: If only something here *were* funny.
GUSTAV: Burning purifies!
JOEL: I guess he never heard of smog.
[ANTON TELLS GUSTAV ABOUT VAMPIRES]
CROW: Not bad for somebody who doesn't believe in superstitions.
TOM: Where did he get this crap? The "How and Why Wonder Book of Vampires"?
GUSTAV: If you ever interfere with the ways of the Brotherhood again, you will suffer!
TOM: We'll put you in the sequel!
GUSTAV: Take care, Anton, for your sake . . . and your sister's.
TOM: I'll bet she burns like a California hillside in August.
[ALONE WITH SCHOOLMARM, ANTON PLAYS HARPSICHORD AND SINGS]
TOM: Oh, man, where are those low British sound levels when we really need them?
ANTON: Oh, I can take care of the girls.
CROW: Talk about an ego!
[WOODS AT NIGHT. EVIL TWIN STALKS THE COUNT'S FLUNKY]
TOM: That bald spot makes it easy to spot him in the dark.
CROW: He of all people should know better than to wander around these woods alone at night.
[AT SCHOOL; ANTON PLAYS HARPSICHORD FOR STUDENTS; GUSTAV ENTERS]
GUSTAV: So, schoolmaster, you do not believe in the devil!
JOEL: Or in the Easter bunny.
ANTON: I demand an explanation!
TOM: Get in line with the rest of us.
[WOODS AT NIGHT. PURITAN WALKS WITH HIS HORSE]
CROW: These blind dates can be so awkward.
TOM: But he's probably the best she could do, the old nag.
[PURITAN MEETS EVIL TWIN]
PURITAN: Child, you should not be out so late.
CROW: Let me put you to bed, heh-heh-heh . . .
[TWIN MOVES IN FOR THE KILL
JOEL: Don't you just love how trusting he is?
TOM: Especially when he knows there's a vampire on the loose.
[IN CHURCH, PURITANS HEAR HIM SCREAM. AS TWIN FINISHES HER MEAL, SHE LOOKS UP TO SEE BROTHERHOOD SURROUNDING HER]
CROW: Man, are they ever fast!
JOEL: She shouldn't have made a kill so close to their chapel.
TWIN: You've got to believe me!
CROW: The corpse, fangs and blood on her mouth spoil her alibi.
GUSTAV: The devil has sent me twins of evil!
JOEL: Cool title.
TOM: Enhh . . .
CROW: So how does Gustav know they're *both* evil?
[GUSTAV'S HOUSE; GUSTAV IS SITTING IN A CLASSIC POSITION]
CROW: That bathroom gives him no privacy.
[GUSTAV SPEAKS TO THE AUNT]
GUSTAV The young must be chastised!
TOM: By forcing them to watch this movie.
GUSTAV: What state of mind do you think I was in?
TOM: A state? How about Turkey?
JOEL: Germania?
CROW: Norway was he sane.
TOM: Let's Finnish making these mediocre puns.
AUNT: Can't anything be done for her? The spirit exorcised?
CROW: Would New Age spirits respond to aerobics?
