[COUNT IN THE TWINS' BEDROOM; PULLS BACK SHEET FROM GOOD TWIN]
JOEL: Looks like he's collecting the entire set.
CROW: Two at a time.
[COUNT SEES HER CROSS; FLINCHES]
TOM: Bummer.
[BROTHERHOOD'S LODGE HOUSE]
PURITAN: Where is Gustav?
[GUSTAV ENTERS]
TOM: Speak of the devil.
[COUNT HANDS UNCONSCIOUS TWIN OUT BEDROOM WINDOW TO BLACK GUY]
CROW: Cool, a drive-through window, just like McDonald's!
TOM: That's one order of ham to go.
[MEETINGHOUSE. PURITANS STAND AND SPEAK, ONE BY ONE]
PURITANS: Guilty . . . guilty . . . guilty . . .
CROW [as judge]: Hammer Studios, you have been found guilty of once again botching a Carmilla storyline . . .
[JAIL. COUNT IS SWAPPING THE TWINS AS HE SPEAKS TO THE VAMPIRE TWIN]
COUNT: You will be Maria. Good and kind and virginal.
JOEL [as evil twin]: Gee, could we come up with a better escape plan?
COUNT: Quickly, you must change her--
TOM: --into an actress.
[SHADOWS ON WALL SHOW COUNT AS HE HELPS MARIA UNDRESS]
CROW: Oh boy, shadow puppets!
TOM: That count really knows how to use his hand.
[MEETINGHOUSE]
GUSTAV: Maria is at the house.
JOEL: Watched by the aunt he trusts so well.
[VILLAGE STREET AT NIGHT. BROTHERHOOD IS ON THE MARCH WITH TORCHES]
TOM: This looks like a scene out of "Frankenstein."
CROW: And Cushing looks like he's flashing back to the days when he made good horror movies.
[JAIL CELL. PURITANS LOOK AT SLEEPING TWIN]
PURITAN: Look how the devil's own sleeps, careless of their sins.
TOM: Or lines.
[ANTON ENTERS GUSTAV'S HOUSE, WITHOUT KNOCKING, AND GOES INTO THE TWINS' BEDROOM]
JOEL: Yeah, right, just barge in, nobody will mind.
CROW: Wouldn't Gustav love to find him like this?
TOM: He could burn Anton and the twin at the same time.
[VAMPIRE TWIN BARES BREASTS]
TOM: At last the true "Twins of Evil," mwa-ha-ha-hah!
CROW: That's a double-entendre in every sense of the word.
TOM: Words.
[TWIN SHOWS HER FANGS]
JOEL: That's a nice pair.
CROW: Good tits, too.
[WOODS; PURITANS PREPARE TO BURN THE WRONG TWIN]
CROW: You know, they remind me of the nuns in "The Sound of Music."
CROW, JOEL and TOM sing "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?"
TOM: I think they know how to solve this particular problem.
AUNT: Gustav, listen!
GUSTAV: Not now!
CROW: First let me make a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my life!
[GUSTAV HESITATES TO KILL HIS NIECE]
PURITAN: Here, I'll do it.
JOEL: Why should Gustav have all the fun?
ANTON: The devil has outwtted you
CROW: No, the count outwitted them, all by himself.
GUSTAV: The devil has taken your kind!
TOM: Not that he's done anything with it.
CROW: Sort of like Anton.
[MEETING HOUSE]
PURITAN: Why doesn't the emperor act?
TOM: Look who's talking.
[ANTON STARTS TALKING ABOUT GOD, THE DEVIL AND VAMPIRES]
JOEL: He got religion fast, didn't he?
[COUNT, AND EVIL TWIN IN CASTLE]
COUNT: Are you frightened of that lovely white flesh burning in their fires of purification?
TOM: Well, yes.
CROW: Remember, she aced Clue Class.
TOM: Maybe she should lend him her notes.
[BLACK GUY ENTERS, WARNS OF APPROACHING PURITANS]
COUNT: They're coming? With stakes?
TOM: Oi, gevalt!
CROW: The last thing anyone would expect is for vampire hunters to use stakes.
[COUNT SLAPS TWIN]
JOEL: Why'd he do that?
CROW: He got fed up with her acting.
COUNT: No, Joachim, someone must hold them off--
TOM: --and it won't be *me!*
[AT HIDDEN EXIT]
COUNT: You must go first. I'll keep watch.
JOEL: Ever the gentleman.
CROW: And she's ever the idiot.
TOM: Wasn't she paying attention when the count sent the black guy off to die for him?
[GUSTAV LOPS OFF VAMPIRE TWIN'S HEAD]
TOM: He really knows how to get ahead.
CROW: One down, one to go.
TOM [as Gustav]: Good news, Marie, now everyone can tell you and your sister apart. JOEL [as twin]: What do you mean?
TOM: Let's just say that, from now on, you'll be known as the *tall* twin!
[TWIN AND AUNT, OUTSIDE CASTLE]
TWIN: Something happened to Frieda, I must find her!
AUNT: No, wait!
TOM: Doesn't she know the rules? A teenager in a monster movie will always do the opposite of what you tell them.
[TWIN, ALONE, FINDS SISTER'S LOST SHOE]
JOEL: Amazing how easy she slipped away from that vigilant mob.
[GUSTAV DIES, INTERMINABLY]
CROW: This is taking longer than the death scene in an Italian opera.
[COUNT TURNS TO DUST]
CROW: Some people fall apart under pressure.
[ANTON HUGS SURVIVING TWIN]
TOM: Talk about fickle. The girl he loves dies, so he immediately turns to the girl he thought was boring.
CROW: It's the curse of getting religion.
JOEL: I guess he couldn't tell them apart after all.
JOEL: Looks like he's collecting the entire set.
CROW: Two at a time.
[COUNT SEES HER CROSS; FLINCHES]
TOM: Bummer.
[BROTHERHOOD'S LODGE HOUSE]
PURITAN: Where is Gustav?
[GUSTAV ENTERS]
TOM: Speak of the devil.
[COUNT HANDS UNCONSCIOUS TWIN OUT BEDROOM WINDOW TO BLACK GUY]
CROW: Cool, a drive-through window, just like McDonald's!
TOM: That's one order of ham to go.
[MEETINGHOUSE. PURITANS STAND AND SPEAK, ONE BY ONE]
PURITANS: Guilty . . . guilty . . . guilty . . .
CROW [as judge]: Hammer Studios, you have been found guilty of once again botching a Carmilla storyline . . .
[JAIL. COUNT IS SWAPPING THE TWINS AS HE SPEAKS TO THE VAMPIRE TWIN]
COUNT: You will be Maria. Good and kind and virginal.
JOEL [as evil twin]: Gee, could we come up with a better escape plan?
COUNT: Quickly, you must change her--
TOM: --into an actress.
[SHADOWS ON WALL SHOW COUNT AS HE HELPS MARIA UNDRESS]
CROW: Oh boy, shadow puppets!
TOM: That count really knows how to use his hand.
[MEETINGHOUSE]
GUSTAV: Maria is at the house.
JOEL: Watched by the aunt he trusts so well.
[VILLAGE STREET AT NIGHT. BROTHERHOOD IS ON THE MARCH WITH TORCHES]
TOM: This looks like a scene out of "Frankenstein."
CROW: And Cushing looks like he's flashing back to the days when he made good horror movies.
[JAIL CELL. PURITANS LOOK AT SLEEPING TWIN]
PURITAN: Look how the devil's own sleeps, careless of their sins.
TOM: Or lines.
[ANTON ENTERS GUSTAV'S HOUSE, WITHOUT KNOCKING, AND GOES INTO THE TWINS' BEDROOM]
JOEL: Yeah, right, just barge in, nobody will mind.
CROW: Wouldn't Gustav love to find him like this?
TOM: He could burn Anton and the twin at the same time.
[VAMPIRE TWIN BARES BREASTS]
TOM: At last the true "Twins of Evil," mwa-ha-ha-hah!
CROW: That's a double-entendre in every sense of the word.
TOM: Words.
[TWIN SHOWS HER FANGS]
JOEL: That's a nice pair.
CROW: Good tits, too.
[WOODS; PURITANS PREPARE TO BURN THE WRONG TWIN]
CROW: You know, they remind me of the nuns in "The Sound of Music."
CROW, JOEL and TOM sing "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?"
TOM: I think they know how to solve this particular problem.
AUNT: Gustav, listen!
GUSTAV: Not now!
CROW: First let me make a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my life!
[GUSTAV HESITATES TO KILL HIS NIECE]
PURITAN: Here, I'll do it.
JOEL: Why should Gustav have all the fun?
ANTON: The devil has outwtted you
CROW: No, the count outwitted them, all by himself.
GUSTAV: The devil has taken your kind!
TOM: Not that he's done anything with it.
CROW: Sort of like Anton.
[MEETING HOUSE]
PURITAN: Why doesn't the emperor act?
TOM: Look who's talking.
[ANTON STARTS TALKING ABOUT GOD, THE DEVIL AND VAMPIRES]
JOEL: He got religion fast, didn't he?
[COUNT, AND EVIL TWIN IN CASTLE]
COUNT: Are you frightened of that lovely white flesh burning in their fires of purification?
TOM: Well, yes.
CROW: Remember, she aced Clue Class.
TOM: Maybe she should lend him her notes.
[BLACK GUY ENTERS, WARNS OF APPROACHING PURITANS]
COUNT: They're coming? With stakes?
TOM: Oi, gevalt!
CROW: The last thing anyone would expect is for vampire hunters to use stakes.
[COUNT SLAPS TWIN]
JOEL: Why'd he do that?
CROW: He got fed up with her acting.
COUNT: No, Joachim, someone must hold them off--
TOM: --and it won't be *me!*
[AT HIDDEN EXIT]
COUNT: You must go first. I'll keep watch.
JOEL: Ever the gentleman.
CROW: And she's ever the idiot.
TOM: Wasn't she paying attention when the count sent the black guy off to die for him?
[GUSTAV LOPS OFF VAMPIRE TWIN'S HEAD]
TOM: He really knows how to get ahead.
CROW: One down, one to go.
TOM [as Gustav]: Good news, Marie, now everyone can tell you and your sister apart. JOEL [as twin]: What do you mean?
TOM: Let's just say that, from now on, you'll be known as the *tall* twin!
[TWIN AND AUNT, OUTSIDE CASTLE]
TWIN: Something happened to Frieda, I must find her!
AUNT: No, wait!
TOM: Doesn't she know the rules? A teenager in a monster movie will always do the opposite of what you tell them.
[TWIN, ALONE, FINDS SISTER'S LOST SHOE]
JOEL: Amazing how easy she slipped away from that vigilant mob.
[GUSTAV DIES, INTERMINABLY]
CROW: This is taking longer than the death scene in an Italian opera.
[COUNT TURNS TO DUST]
CROW: Some people fall apart under pressure.
[ANTON HUGS SURVIVING TWIN]
TOM: Talk about fickle. The girl he loves dies, so he immediately turns to the girl he thought was boring.
CROW: It's the curse of getting religion.
JOEL: I guess he couldn't tell them apart after all.
